Friday, February 17, 2012 . 7:07 AM

FIGHT

My mind's yet again in quite a mess. Well.. not exactlyyyy a mess mess, but really troubled. I have been posted to the Fire fighting course in civil defence - already 2 weeks passed. I was hoping to stay for the basic rescue training to POP in 5 weeks then, but now I have to go through this 3 months course and PASS it before I can POP. I was hoping to see if this course is for me. The 1st week went by quite alright, quite alot of physical training compared to the previous camp i was in during Physical Training Phase. Then came the 2nd week.. By then, I have already felt like going out of course.. to quit this fire fighting course as I don't think I can excel in the practical stuff easily as I have always been a more theory-based person, except in art,

But I tried to consult my sir in regards to going out of course. He told me I cannot go OOC.. unless I have medical background. I was disappointed.. Tried to motivate myself.. To take in this fact and move on on my own pace.. Was feeling really very out of sorts this whole week.. then around wednesday, after breakfast, we went back to our dorm. I was resting by my bed and thoughts of my mother, father and family came to my mind.. and I started tearing, bth and went into the toilet to let all those emotions out. It has been a very very long while tt I actually cried somehow. I realized I have not been a good son to my parents.. Quite very much ashamed of myself. My parents are getting on into their years already, they have been doing alot for me and my sister throughout our lives and we don't actually see it or really understand to feel all those parental love and notions. I have been taking them for granted and I still am.

But I want all these things to change.. And have no real regrets in life. I began to think about the things my parents have done for me.. Like when I was back in lasalle, I had trouble to pay my school fees, my mum went all out to help source for finances and help for me.. And other simple things like my father ironing my clothes for me. Yes they have their flaws as parents, well I have mine too.. so how can I complain?? I just failed to see the beautiful in them, and now I want to try to and want to let things become better.

Now that I am continuing this fire fighting course, to train hardddd, to be able to get higher pay nx time, 10 working days a month, being able to spend more time with family, friends and self and for self-development, I will do it, to put the drive in it.. It has been very hard.. Maybe I have been rushing to get used to this experience when this course has barely even started... Been too hard on myself.. Rota mates did ask me why I looked so sad this 2nd week, but I didnt give a definite reply..

At the end of the 3 months, I know there is a strong desire in me for my family to come to the POP to see what I have done, who I have become. Not just in NS, but also the son and brother I have become to them. Went I saw the previous's firemen batch's POP video I felt something brewing inside of me strongly. This is what I really want.. My family to be proud of me, me to be proud of myself.. Than just going through the next 5 weeks of asic rescue training then POP with them barring visitors for the POP that my parents will not be able to come. I need to be a fighter, to learn to save lives.. not just others and also learn to save myself fro  my doubts and fears.. Train till you die Ron, and everything's gonna be alright :)