Saturday, February 26, 2011 . 9:57 PM

First Step Out

It has been a few days ago that I last blogged. I have been having issues with myself and church because of my issues of being a bi and how it throughout the years of denial and false hope have moulded my character from an extrovert to now an introvert. Throughout that change.. till now, I look back many times and wonder, uselessly wonder why can't I be like last time? Back then I had no issues communicating with people, my heart was open to all and for all. However, I do realize that this duality, more like a conversion into another nature (introvert), helped me understand things, people, experiences and myself at another perspective and deeper emotional. However frozen my heart has been, God has been configuring me through this period to feel from my heart and understand things around me through it. That probably is why I'm feeling oppressed in trying to tap into my past's extrovert personality trying to relate to people that way.

Time passes, people change for the good or for the worse. I do want to keep trying to keep keeping on.. How shaded the heart is and has been deceived all these years, I want to open myself to new possibilities and positive growth sharing with people what I can offer. Later tonight, I'm going to tell my church's cell leader about my aj side that has been in my way and the reasons why I am irregular in church. God's perfect love drives out all fear, so I feel that keeping it in has been silly of me if the conviction in my heart is that being an aj living as an aj isn't wrong in God's eyes why should I keep myself bound? by what the society wnats of me? Hell no... I may be timid on the outside but my heart is calling out to be hear. Either live with my heart, what it truly wants and what God wants, than living like a dead fish floating along the sea.

Hopefully my eyes would be further opened through being honest, and with my cell leader laterwards.

Thursday, February 24, 2011 . 6:50 AM

Song That Stirs From Within

These days I have been listening to songs.. rediscovered and found some truly meaningful songs. You know sometimes... well actually many.. countless times.. down the journey in life, at times we receive and many other times, we lose heart. Songs give us the temporial peace or haven.. Guide us, sometimes even have the ability to corresspond with our hearts to bring out the will, that changes lives. I deeply believe we all have songs of our hearts, our own stories to tell and our experiences to recall, at times in appreciation for the stronger beings we have become.

I recall during my lowest points in my life, times that tears flowed continuously, couldn't tear and head hurt from it. The songs, that stayed close to my heart brought me through the darkest times. Formed the deepest convictions in my life, the fire that till this day I wouldn't let go off and still trying to regain the lost. Songs of strength and hope that feeds the soul.

I remember posting about Kor's song in my earlier post. Have been listening to it probably almost 50times already, each time relating and thinking what he may have gone through makes me teary. Recently Kor was hospitalized for some complications of his heart. Poor guy.. worried for him manx... BUT.. he is discharged today! Really thankful and happy to be talking to him again. Now I'm still listening to his song.. what a beautiful voice he has.. Wanna hear him sing live!! too bad this di is poor.. can't pay you for your singing yet =/... I wanna start writing songs too and composing tunes ^^^

There is this song I've been listening to on youtube. From Mariah Carey called Right to Dream. I'll just let the lyrics speak for itself. =)))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNrxL6dlWCM

I lay awake sometimes
Scared to close my eyes
And I wonder where I left myself
I lost the will to fly

And the night melts into morning
Still it's cold beneath the sun
'Cause the fire in me's languishing
And I'm too frozen to run

Every once in a while
There's a distant glimmer of hope
I find
Somewhere deep inside
Someone strong still resides
And I know she's gonna be fine
In time
'Cause you see
I've got a lot to dream
There's more than this for me

An angel lands with broken wings
Warms me with his eyes
And the ice that sheaths around my heart
Unravel as he smiles

See I grew up locked in sorrow
So I learned to block the pain
But I won't give up tomorrow
'Cause I've come to life again

Every once in a while
There's a distant glimmer of hope
I find
Somewhere deep inside
Someone strong still resides
And I know I'm gonna be fine
That's right
'Cause for real
I've got a right to dream
There's more than this for me

But I keep on going 'cause

Every once in a while
There's a distant glimmer of hope
I find
Somewhere deep inside
Someone strong still resides
And I know she's gonna be fine
In time
'Cause you see
I've got a right to dream
There's more than this for me

Monday, February 21, 2011 . 9:54 AM

Dual Personality

Lalalalalaa! Back to blogging again! Alright the post may not be as interesting as the title.. =/ But it's related somehow to what I'm feeling about myself lately. Everyday we experience, learn and grow. This period from the chats with friends or through text messages and meet ups, I realize that I carry myself differently. In how I think, feel and react when i'm behind the screen communicating compared to meeting friends up. I don't think it's as serious as some split or bi-polar personality, But it does affect the way i bring myself across to others.

Usually online especially or through smses, I feel alot freer.. Very open mostly, being bit 'hyper' which I see myself as and want to strive to be - to be a happier person putting smiles in people's lives. I truely believe as we are open in our hearts when we communicate, we can truely care for others and connect with people. However much I try to be open, when I meet up with people, friends etc etc, I tend to get tired easily and more reserved. Sometimes I realize it, the tiredness and I simply get pissed off at myself. It's like getting a cork stuck unable to drink the sweet wine from the bottle. The throat just dries up, not with contempt but with disgust.. All the negative thoughts and feeling lousy would come in, all the helplessness and the ever increasing tiredness, fatique of the mind would overwhelm it whole.

Everyday is a day for learning.. I've been reading a book talking about the heart (emotionally). Talks in detail about how discouragements are like arrows tt are pierced into the heart throughout our lives. We form convictions, even deep ones, subconciously/unconciously. Feeling lousy i believe then intensifies the process of deteoriation of the heart, numbs and then freezes it so much so that our souls detach from our heart. Every now and then, when we are alone, and our guard is down, our heart cries out.. even the faintest cry bring us tremendous discomfort and we tug the call of it deeper.

I despise how this vicious cycle acts and as well as in my life, also as simple as communicating with people. When I feel lousy I think of all the negative thoughts like,' Oh Ron, youre actually a hypocrite.. And you know it yourself that people can sense it.. You're just nothing, you know you would never grow deeper friendships, coz you just can't connect with everyone.. loner..' How the arrows can be vicious this way, makes me more determined to remove them... one by one.. How to?? Well through confidence, wisdom, perseverence and strength from God. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you carrying me when I was week, pulling me up when I was just to lazy to be mobile. Being a listening ear when I just need to cry out to You.. the perfect One. For the bible states.. You are Love. Thanks for showing me a glimpse of what is love so far, and I hope to further uncover the experiences and adventures You have for me! =))

Sunday, February 20, 2011 . 3:29 AM

MSN & Chats

I know... I know.. some may think who uses msn nowadays.. More like the age of skype, WhatsApp and for ajs, grindr and etc etc. The good old msn, probably called windows live now is still good and user friendly k?! =))

Almost 2 months since I've tried to reach out and make more aj friends and online friends, my msn have been busier with more chats and people to talk to. Over time somehow it just gets tiring, being good to people being nice and all. Even though I believe I'm being myself how I talk to people online even, but it gets tiring after awhile. I remember juniormaster told me before, that we need not be nice to everyone and wasting our time. Those are insignificant to the personal problems that are lying in wait to be solved. Understood what he advised, it's true too what I feel about it. SStriking a balance between others and self is not as easy as it seems.

Sometimes we can get really selfish and other times we either feel obligated or selfless for others. Strriking a balance is something that we have to remind ourselves from time to time! I have not been balanced lately with this. I could spend hours and hours non-stop on my netbook chatting with ajs.. Even to the extend of chatting while bathing.. LOL... However much I feel I have to deviate myself from it more to balance it out, I do still think msn and chats have alot of positive aspects to it.

I've talked to people, met up with people, the good and the bad. Sincere friends that I want to strive to be better to, to learn from. Sharing with each other our lives and experiences, having good company whether online or offline. What's net after msn?? Hopefully meting up more with people when I've got more time to grow friendships from there!

I may be back later in the night to blog more, probably more personal stuff that I have been thinking lately. Hopefuly there's more time later. Tata for now! =))

Friday, February 18, 2011 . 11:09 AM

Impulse aka Freedom? or Impulse vs Freedom?

Lalalala! I'm back to blogging again =)) Yesterday I went out with Grand and Junior master. These 2 guys are really drama, bickering with each other every so often! For some reason I was earliest.. followed by junior and grand, coz grand was 'late' for his dental so it took him longer to reach. We had good lunch and talked about stuff and... guys as usual.. =P

But anyways... we went to watch the movie Black Swan.. A special movie... refreshing one I would say.. How abstract and probably deviod of actual meanings to the concepts the movie had in certain areas. A truely intense plot... of a girl that has always been that perfectionist, prim and proper... perfect in her dance. Just like art for myself, I always do relate and apply into life. Same with the girl, The way how perfect, controlled she was as a person is depicted so clearly in her dance.. the technique = perfect.

It comes down to a problem that she not only have to play the white swan, but also embody the role of the black swan, which is more dangerous, risk-taking and spontaneous. Through the proccess of discovering the art of letting go, she experiences illusions.. dreams that make her go wild. When those impulses she had became so strong, she thought she had hurt or even killed those around her. Ending which were all illusions and she ended up hurting herself instead.

What is freedom?? Don't we all seek freedom? Just like the girl that is so controlled that desires to let go. Is freedom an impulse? Or is freedom a step before impulse before it all is taken too far? Is freedom on the expense of gaining while hurting people around us, while impulse is when we realize that we have hurt ourselves the most instead of the other party(s)? Is impulse a true expression of nature that we should experience to get to freedom? Where then is control to balance it all out? Is control able to co-exist with freedom?

From the movie, I have thought of such things.. How do we embody the spontaneous side of life and at the same time not going overboard with it? I believe fear can mislead us in our journeys in life, till we break down, ourselves in the process of letting go, ending up with impulses that returns the blow heavily. I don't want to let fear override my decisions in life.. holding me back from what I really want and believe it's right in God's eyes. I believe He wants the best for me, for me to grow to love my family, friends and myself more. To love my future bf with freedom and even with impulse. My future too, to control where it needs to, letting go when the heart truely desire to.

Alright I've bragged too much today.. well... My mind just needed to clear some stuff now and then.. =P

Wednesday, February 16, 2011 . 10:01 AM

BF

It has been like what? 1 plus months.. since 24dec 2010 since I opened up and accepting myself as a bi, more like 80% aj... During this period of opening up and interacting with many ajs, it has opened my heart to who and what I really am. My desires and longing or love.. that has been kept under wraps has made me slowly to feel again, as a living breathing human being. Sounds cliche.. whateva! hahax..

So what about BF u guys must be thinking..? Hmmm... my heart has been frozen for like 8yrs or so in self-denial of who I really am on the inside. All that my heart has desired over that pass years have been kept underwraps, in denial putting my heart on death sentence waiting to be executed... On the 1st month of opening up last Dec, my heart just spilled out... everything.. pounched on anything I can get.. tried to learn the ropes but rushed myself to fast in knowing people, the aj thingys and abused 'fun'.

Now this period, I'm trying to pick myself up again. Really, I am very thankful of what God has done so far for me in my life.. I love U Lord, and for the people U have placed around me in my life. WWhile I'm trying to stay sane, hopes of having a bf to share the love with, share my life with arises..

The guy... my other half.. soulmate... the one that completes me.. just where are you hiding now? Have u taken care.. good care of yourself?? I don't expect much in terms of outlooks... decent looking guy, slim is fine with me.. chemistry should be existent... appreciate the arts and wanna experience the world with him... through sadness.. hurts, happiness... love.. simple love... where are you?? dear boy.. I want to share my life with you.. and know all about you... I pray to God you'll cross my path one day and I wouldn't miss that instant of chance to get hold of you! =))

Tuesday, February 15, 2011 . 1:11 PM

The Soul of a Song

I have been talking to a christian AJ brother these 2 days. Well, from what i can tell, he is a good good guy, a caring person. Faithful in church and I believe good in his career too. He does music and singing, composing tunes himself. yesterday he sent me a song he did. I love the way it sounds, simplistic.. lovely. today this brother, Kor, told me what he has been through in the past. was taken aback what he went through.

I don't think I can go in details here as it is his personal life and someone he hold's so deeply etched in his heart. I listened to his song after he gone offline, the lyrics jumped at me.. it caught me off guard.. how the lyrics are so truthful.. sincere.. beautiful.. full of longing.. pain.. and hope. All becomes slightly haunting. For some reason I just broke down while listening to it. shit i'm tearing now.... again... lol what's wrong with me...
erm... yep.. he may be the reason why i may start listening to more chinese music. I admire what he is doing.. The person he has become through all that he has faced...

Kor.. if ure reading this.. nah... a BIG HUG from me to U. =)))

Sunday, February 13, 2011 . 5:30 AM

Heya my 1st post! My name is Ron, or what i put on my msn as Ronnie haha. I've decided to set up this blog for the aj part of my life, to talk about my journey, future experiences and my thoughts relating to the aj aspect. I will customize the blog soon I hope.. after awhile I'll try to get the blogskin changed.. get the chatbox up and going etc etc.

Hmm... so far since my exploration of the so-called aj 'circle', many things have happened. I'm not too sure if it is for the betterment or for the worse on a whole as I have met people that have influenced me negatively and also met sincere ajs that are really positive influence in my life.

Will be back to blogging in the next few days I hope. I attended the Free Community Church today, FCC. Was pretty alright, but I didn't quite agree with the teaching tt 'ONS' is fine though.. Well I'll stick around in the church for awhile, see where it leads me to. So far it's alright, and really hope fr a new beginning somewhere for my spiritual life. Hopefully FCC is the answer.

I guess that's all for today.. I will be back soon! tata =))