Saturday, February 25, 2012 . 4:52 PM
Gotta Walk OnNow it's 8.22am (regardless of the blogger post timing.. ), typing another post. Sitting in my living room now thinking and reflecting upon my life. Sometimes I really think I think too obsessively, I may be meek on the outside but on the inside it may be quite extreme. Extreme especially in the negative face of emotions and thoughts. When I am more positive, I would find strength and be glad. Rarely will I feel really happy, don't know exactly why. Maybe it is as time pass, as I experience more things in life, I'm cluttered with negative thoughts and worries that I find it hard to dispel. I almost constantly worry about my future, about my art, about my family, about ns, about finding... finding that guy I will really love alot. Where are you?? Where r u my boy from my dreams, where are you to share our lives and days together? My heart is in solitude till that day you come, if that day even arrives.
Walk on Ron, walk on and you will find answers. Keep trying and keep growing nomatter what may come your way. Life looks so bleak now, but I should remain thankful, thankful for the things given and not given to me. Once I've learn to be thankful and give thanks to life I live in, feels like a form of release. The opposite from thankfulness is a complacent attitude, which traps the heart.
I did not expect in my life that my ns life training will be tough as this. People fainting is quite a common thing, and the nature of it all has created an anxiety and a complacent attitude in me. I am afraid coz I almost fainted and everyday it is like literally we r dragged to hell. But the positive side to things is I have already almost crossed the 1 month mark of the 3months course.
Ron you have to remember you chose this route to quit school to enter ns. You have to bear the consequences, nomatter what you face in the proccess, when times you think you can really... really no longer walk on... Remember why are you doing all these for. I'm walking on in life for the people that love me... My family and friends and the God I believe in. The yearning to experience life, to learn from the tough nature of this route, to face all my fears and grow from it. I am cringing and crying almost everyday in my heart... But only I can be strong if I decide to be brave and walk on. Walk on for the future, the freedom, the fruits you'll get to experience... It seems very far away but that day will come. Sighhh
Saturday, February 18, 2012 . 9:32 PM
Before Book-in AgainGoing to book in later this evening. My mind is feeling lots of tiredness, frustration and some anxiety. I know everyone has to go through NS, and that I should be thankful to be in civil defence instead of the army. But still I can't help having such messed up thoughts.
Gotta let my heart settle and get used to the fire fighting course for a few more weeks and stop expecting too much out of myself. The negative side within my head is telling me how weak I am, that I can't get used to a fireman's life in ns. Why am I so silly to listen and take in all those from that voice? I am not weak, I have to rely on the strength that resides within me from spiritual translating into physical aspects in my life. Whatever things that come by in life, the positive things and especially the really negative ones, are not to tear me down but are opportunities where I have to take the chance to learn and grow from.
These are opportunities that I need to catch on and to learn to grow out of the negative thinking habit. Within all the chaos, to find serenity and peace and levelledness from within. Where is that haven I can go to?? Perspectives
Met up with a friend today, got my tarots sent in from Poland, tagged along with him as he went for a kind of chinese stone fortune reading. Very interesting, how before the reading he needed to hold the bag of stones to exchange energy. It is like tarot reading where there is a connection and exchange of energy needed to season a deck for reading. The stone reading was very accurate, something new and interesting to experience =)
Later we went to watch a movie, had dinner and went on our way home. On our way to the bus stop, there was a caucasian lady she approached and talked to me.. It was a very awkward moment.. I knew it was some religious christian-related person wanting to introduce their religion. I remembered my 2 experiences with on-street Jehovah witnesses or some kind of witness people trying to bring people to their religion. Those experiences were not pleasant ones... So when this lady approached me, I felt a sense of uneasiness..
She approached me asking how's my day and later we talked about christianity. I told her I used to go to church but no longer attending. She then went on to ask why, and I told her I wanted to experience life out of church life widen my horizon. It was a very awkward conversation as I am not used to such conversations with strangers.
It led me to think then what do I actually believe in the life out of church? What did I mean when I mentioned to widen my horizon in my perspectives? Initially I left church was because I knew that the clash of belief that having a same sex relationship is a sin, homosexual lifestyle is a sin. This fear of not belonging and unwillingness to voice it out due to the useless aftermath reactions of it led me to just quit going to church altogether. I needed to continue my growth as a person, on my inner being, and to do that I shouldn't be in an environment with views I have to address that people in church wouldn't accept or agree to.
I learnt to, over the pass months, to learn to strip the many facades of my weakened self, caused by chains of conflict in beliefs and obligations in my church life. I began to widen my view my understanding in believing that the true enitity of the great and awesome God, that friend that i used to feel, speak to, being loved by, is not just in the context of Christianity, but in this being i was created as, in the sunrise, the simple breeze, in the other person that I talk to, in songs that I listen to, in a person's sigh and when I place my a hand to my heart some nights before I sleep. The great being is in everything I experience, He is in every step of my journey watching over me, He is in everyone that I love or despise, He is in every humble being, our everyday truth. He is the everyday notions that let me yearn for something far greater than myself. I began to learn about tarot reading as a medium for self-discovery and for growth. There are so many other activities to learn and experience in life.
Everything that I do, when done with understanding, brings forth different depths of revelations everyday. I must not be afraid to walk on in life, walk on... into the different chapters, to widen my mind's knowledge and heart's understanding. Be daring, be a fighter in what u believe in Ron! True strength and confidence is in the notion of being humble and being truthful, you have to remember that!
Friday, February 17, 2012 . 7:07 AM
FIGHTMy mind's yet again in quite a mess. Well.. not exactlyyyy a mess mess, but really troubled. I have been posted to the Fire fighting course in civil defence - already 2 weeks passed. I was hoping to stay for the basic rescue training to POP in 5 weeks then, but now I have to go through this 3 months course and PASS it before I can POP. I was hoping to see if this course is for me. The 1st week went by quite alright, quite alot of physical training compared to the previous camp i was in during Physical Training Phase. Then came the 2nd week.. By then, I have already felt like going out of course.. to quit this fire fighting course as I don't think I can excel in the practical stuff easily as I have always been a more theory-based person, except in art,
But I tried to consult my sir in regards to going out of course. He told me I cannot go OOC.. unless I have medical background. I was disappointed.. Tried to motivate myself.. To take in this fact and move on on my own pace.. Was feeling really very out of sorts this whole week.. then around wednesday, after breakfast, we went back to our dorm. I was resting by my bed and thoughts of my mother, father and family came to my mind.. and I started tearing, bth and went into the toilet to let all those emotions out. It has been a very very long while tt I actually cried somehow. I realized I have not been a good son to my parents.. Quite very much ashamed of myself. My parents are getting on into their years already, they have been doing alot for me and my sister throughout our lives and we don't actually see it or really understand to feel all those parental love and notions. I have been taking them for granted and I still am.
But I want all these things to change.. And have no real regrets in life. I began to think about the things my parents have done for me.. Like when I was back in lasalle, I had trouble to pay my school fees, my mum went all out to help source for finances and help for me.. And other simple things like my father ironing my clothes for me. Yes they have their flaws as parents, well I have mine too.. so how can I complain?? I just failed to see the beautiful in them, and now I want to try to and want to let things become better.
Now that I am continuing this fire fighting course, to train hardddd, to be able to get higher pay nx time, 10 working days a month, being able to spend more time with family, friends and self and for self-development, I will do it, to put the drive in it.. It has been very hard.. Maybe I have been rushing to get used to this experience when this course has barely even started... Been too hard on myself.. Rota mates did ask me why I looked so sad this 2nd week, but I didnt give a definite reply..
At the end of the 3 months, I know there is a strong desire in me for my family to come to the POP to see what I have done, who I have become. Not just in NS, but also the son and brother I have become to them. Went I saw the previous's firemen batch's POP video I felt something brewing inside of me strongly. This is what I really want.. My family to be proud of me, me to be proud of myself.. Than just going through the next 5 weeks of asic rescue training then POP with them barring visitors for the POP that my parents will not be able to come. I need to be a fighter, to learn to save lives.. not just others and also learn to save myself fro my doubts and fears.. Train till you die Ron, and everything's gonna be alright :)
Sunday, February 5, 2012 . 1:11 AM
Random Thoughts Before Book-inGonna book in today, leaving home in say 10mins... Juz felt that I needed to blog so I am here typing again.. What can I type? what is on my mind riht now??
I feel this pass few weeks have helped me grow as a person to a certain extend, in ns.. I am learning to accept the unknowns, though there will always be times where things are not pleasant, things may be unfair, things and happenings may be very frustrating in camp.
I have seen the many good sides of people, made good friends, seeing 1st hand those that are true hypocrites, those people that acts poorly in their egoistic 'craft'. I have gone through times, like many others have, when there are days things don't go well in camp, but we still walk on, we still cheer each other on.
It is the end of the PTP stage, this new week will be the new week ahead. really feeling bit sad, bit happy, bit nostalgic certain things are becoming, but these all will materialize into something good.. I believe.. Ron you always have to believe in something good at the end. Gotta and gonna look forward to a brand new week ahead!!