Wednesday, September 28, 2011 . 9:45 AM

Loneliness.. Emptiness..

These days have been having more time on my hands after I have quitted my job. I hope with every passing time to experience life at a slower pace and to make good use of my time. So sometimes when I am free, I have been reading this book called,' Desire'. Simple as that. It is by John Eldredge.

There is this one part of the book that really input truth to my heart.. ''Most people live incredibly lonely lives. Our worst pain comes from our ever-present isolation. We are surrounded by people, but truly known by so few - if any', John Eldredge.

Getting, learning to love and understanding myself better, a part of it is to.. painfully at times to acknowledge the emptiness I have within. It sucks.... This feeling and the notion of it. But I need to face reality, to put my feet on the ground. I yearn for soul, only to discover I am souless within. My heart is aching.. thirsting... desperately reaching out.. yet I can't find anything, anyone to fill my soul, soul-to-soul. This is life i guess.. But I won't give up knowing that there is something, some experiences, far beyond my expectations that has yet to come.. beyond my wildest goals and dreams...

After reading the extract from the book, it open a new door of knowledge but also a realization of a hole an emptiness I have within. I noticed the sad fact... That I began to question and ask myself.. If there is any one person.. in this world that truly knows me for who I am.. I thought hard.. But the answer came in a whisper.. a soft no.. then a loud echo.. NO....... you don't have anyone. The lonliness can become excruciating at times, but what to do?

I remember times when I was truly... truly.. fill with love, freedom... joy.. apart from my childhood days, were from the times I prayed my soul out... let my soul cry out to the God.. somewhere.. that I believe in. U have givn me this heart, not meant to be an empty one but to start from point blank. So i can be slowly filled in the process, nomatter the outcome... I really hope... i truly hope... in the end of the day.. I would have truly lived this life.

Monday, September 19, 2011 . 1:03 PM

Quality friends... True self...

Falalalalalaaaa... nah nah nah c'mon... na na na.. c'mon..! lol... random random sia...

Hmmm.. well... I don't know wth am I still up at this hour... it's 3.40am in the morning as I am typing this post... It isn't too late or too early.. for sleep in my 'standards'. But I'm hoping to sleep earlier like say 2.30-3am daily.. Now I feel so unhealthy.. but whadevaaaaaaa!

just feeling some things in my heart that is feeling sorta flustered. I feel like wasting my time away... into nothingness... Something's apparent in me that I have noticed and felt.. and am feeling. The essence and dent of emptiness. Feeling a soul that is hanging, hovering, vague... redundant.. evanescence...

And my mind starts to linger into other thoughts of the friendships I have made so far.. in this aj thingy... So many negative occurances and regretable things I have encountered and gone through... Pinches my heart every now and then. Silly moments... times of feeling like a shithead... like a dummy... and other times feeling disappointments... In such a short span of time I have met qyuite alot of new people, talked to quite a number of new people/friends whether online or offline... people come and go... the nature of how human relationships work or how they work if they are not actively maintained.

I'm tired of making new friends.. I would receive private msgs in few gay sites, I do reply them being polite, in the sense of courtesy. coz I would hope or expect to have some form of such courtesy when I send pms too. But these days it just gets exhausting... Msging people that I have not talked before or am unfamiliar with is becoming like a chore till I no longer reply consistently, other times seemingly ignoring msgs.

Also recently I have been slowly clearing my msn contacts bit by bit as well as some on facebook.. clearing some aj contacts. I would rather have quality than quantity in the friendships i make in this 'circle'. I remembered a friend wiped out quite a number of his contacts from his msn few weeks ago. I was one of them. For certain reasons and reasons that were too, maybe, unspokened of, I became cleared from his list of contacts.

I was upset over it i guess... yep.. And I consulted a friend about it. Somehow he shared his view about it and talked about fair-weathered friends as well as friends that has quality. Through this mini wipe from the friend and conversing with another friend, slowly overtime have led me to feel maybe it's time I should slow down... I am not gaining anything from trying to know tons of people, trying to keep chatting n chatting n pleasing people... I am not being my fking self... I'm too nice to people... fk the niceness man really...

I just want to be who I am meant to be, whether people like it or not... I want to grow into this person that is truthful in actions rather than acting all nice... saint... holy.... moly.... silly.... virginal idiot.. looool... Ok maybe putting virginal into one of the descriptions isn't such a good idea.... as long as it makes certain sense... oh wellllllll......

There's no use in trying to know people, satisfy people, being nice to people when I am not being true to my own heart... being dead on the inside... I want to fk life fk everything that has given me this nice attitude.. but I am going to grow into someone that I can be proud of... I want to love the people the friends I feel are worth keeping. I want to love life... And totally will not want to slip and melt... fade.... into nothingnesssssssssssssssssssssssss...............

Friday, September 16, 2011 . 5:01 AM

Recollections of Past and Now

Woooo... I'm listening to Elliot Yamin's song, You Say, as I am typing this blog post... Voice with so much warmth.. and he is kinda cute too.... ^^ lol... I guess I prefer guys that are simple, joyful and yet rich deep within their hearts. I've been feeling a little love-needy this week... don't know why.. I'm disappointed over myself and some situations but I am thankful and happy as well of life and for everyday... Still trying to grow into a person that understands life better daily, for myself, for the people around me, for a better life, better future and also hopefully for my other half in the future.

Over the course of the recent months, conversed with different people, and through bits and pieces of my experiences in life this while, I feel a certain tangible change in myself. More understanding of myself, life and people. Although there are always ups and downs daily but I accept them, I try to.. and then learn from them. Doesnt matter if I'm pissed fking pissed in those ngative moments, moments that I feel frustrated... But it's important to take a step back, behind all those anger behind all those negative thoughts and observe. To just breathe, and then understanding comes, maybe not immediately, but it does prepare the mind to take in and understand those experiences better to make the best out of them.

These days I have been drawing more and more, back to my art again. I know... I just know somehow that I am capable of being on top with all those successful artists. If I start working my ass off... Using not just my mind, but understanding from my heart of life, translating into my art and art making... I yearn to discovery more about life through art... All the hurts... pains... darkness... joy... beauty... tranquility... to form a deeper understanding and then use it to inspire people, their lives and in turn not just helping myself to understand life and self better, but also for them as well. I need to believe that I can be a full-time artist someday!

Recently I have also started working out with some dumbbells I've bought. Really want to put on some weight! Hope to not just improve on the inner aspects but also for the outer. Both goes hand in hand.

Life will get better.. it is getting there, and it will be better someday!

Monday, September 5, 2011 . 9:40 AM

Needy Fool's Out Of Place

Haixz. I'm listening to Mariah's Music Box song now. . . Quite pek cek. I've a friend heading to ns this thursday for recruitment so some of us we had a phone conference.. just ended a few mins ago.

Initially I felt the convrsation was fine, but at the later half I just grew tired. Especially when they have talks of what str8s would talk about. Talked about girls.. Str8 relationship.. str8 sex T.T... I don't know what I got myself into seriously and I was already tired. It's hard to hold a conversation with 3 other people, when I'm tired, when I'm not exactly interested and lastly uneasy with what they were talking about.

My initial fears on communicating with people crept up again and it intensified during the phone convo. They are my good frens... I am not frustrated with them but at myself for seeming so disinterested in what they talk.. Hoping to just end the call but stuck on in there for 1 hour... I am feeling guilty of not being good company to them... I don't do well in groups especially when I am tired... Maybe I have a mask that I put that I can't hold up when I am tired.. my almost true self juts out and I feel vulnerable... No where to hide...\

So many insecurities keep kicking back up.. I guess it's also due to feeling lousy as I'm typing this post amost right after the phone conference. It feels too that I can't tell anyone my problems and the usual very small handful of friends that i do share with, I just held up again.. Very tired... really Don't want to appear like a needy fool to them. I'm scared of troubling people, I'm afraid of facing the posibility that I'm not worth their time and effort..

I'm just a mess tonight.. fking mess... This is really stupid... unravelling my hideous past scars, past fears.. But I don't want to stop my journey in living with my heart, my purest desires... I don't want to close myself up... I don't want to close the very wellspring of my life, my heart, just by these negative experiences... Really tired, confused.. It's hard to be true.. to be true as a person... When people say it isn't hard at all being ourselves.. it's a damn fking lie! Understanding doesn't come as we wish it or call it, but with time and effort... and patience.. it's not someting I or we can turn or turn it off... I can't turn this mask I have been frigginly carrying for 1 decade to just turn it off like this. I'm fk tired but this is life.. Ron just deal with it... don't run away from it... don't run away.. ..