Sunday, December 25, 2011 . 6:42 AM

Voidness

Listening to some songs, chilling out resting before sleeping soon. I've been coughing like mad cow mad dog these few days, Fell sick.... Hopefully I can get well before booking into camp again tomorrow...

I have been into the civil defence for 2 weeks already. The coming week will be my 3rd week... So far everything is still quite tahanable, made some nice friends nice company in there. So training hasn't been that tough to go through. Really hope that time will pass faster.. these 8 weeks of physical training.... I want to POP... But I will be miserable if I were to keep thinking of rushing my time, hoping my time in ns will fly pass fast. It will not do me good and I will not learn anything by fast pacing my mind... But rather I have to slow down and experience my present and learn and appreciate whateva will come my way... I will thrive and survive through this 6 more weeks and 2 yrs of ns.

I've been feeling sick and being sick for the pass few days, coughing and coughing and feeling feverish. As i am typing this blog post.. I am coughing and coughing... I think I've had my 7th 500ml bottle of water already today with 4-5extra cups of barley water. Around 4litres of water...... Still coughing and coughing.. Been staying home and resting... napping, feeling lethargic... And tomorrow I will have to book in again into camp. Feeling this voidness inside of me. Someting left incomplete that I can't access specifically now. But what can I do?? What can I do and make the best out of the situation and my negative thoughts?

I want to continue to learn to be a positive person, to grow into a person that doesn't dwell on obligation but by understanding and willingness. I want to help myself and help others in the process in life and during my time in NS. I want to unwind the knots I have onhand, to feel at peace, to be happy.

There is a reason for this uncomfortable feeling somehow.. maybe it's just that I will miss my family once I go back in camp. I will miss chatting and going out with friends. I will miss catching up on music and the pokemon episode 1 series. I will not be able to think and communicate with the guy I like as often as I hope to. Or maybe mutual love will come much later and with someone else. Ron, you need to be open to all these possibilities and stop being so rigid and plan all your hopes and goals. What you need will come towards you if you don't keep planning and specifically hoping - that will infact build walls against the goodness and fulfilment coming through.

Voidness..

Friday, December 9, 2011 . 3:02 AM

Glad =)

Quite glad in my current phase of life, that I am working towards understanding self and the things in life I have not been able to see clearly before. Not to say I have reached and grown to a great extend of my potential in my understanding towards life - I think I have barely even started in my growth as a person and in my understanding yet - but it is a tangible amount of growth so far. So so important for myself to remain grateful and thankful for the things in life so that growth wouldnt be retarded and also I feel I am much happier/positive when I am being thankful. I see friends and other people tose that emo so much, complain alot, dwelling in their negativity.. for what?? I ask myself this when I am reacting negatively, and realize that I am making myself feeling worse. After which then I start to focus on the positive side of things, that I am not as unfortunate as I think I am, I am still alive, I have friends to talk to, I have my family members to turn to, to live with. These are thoughts and things that makes me glad.

Recently, I met up with an aj friend whom I have not met in quite awhile.. Say around.. 8months or more? I do really quite like him.. Thinking about him every now and then.. =/... and I was happy to see him again after so long! A really kind person I feel he is, does things for his family and friends, quite a giving person. That is what I need to learn as well. Though I feel i have failed very badly in it and I am still not very good at it. I want to believe in myself and work towards becoming a better person.

There is another friend, an ex-schoolmate I had in lasalle. Quite on good relations with her and when she returned to Indonesia after she witdrew from college, I would every now and then tell my other friend how good it is if she is still in Singapore. Then suddenly, after sooo longgg without communicating with her, she suddenly greeted me on facebook. I was really happy. We chatted and she talked about certain negative aspects of people she has been going through, tells me how she feels so many people do not respect or try to earn to understand others. Then she told me that I am one of her friends that can respect people. I felt something warm in me. That she still appreciates me as much as I do for her as a friend.

Just yesterday, I visited a friend for the 1st time. Usually he would tell and share about many spirituakly related stuffs like buddhism teachings, tarot card readings, inner growth as a person etc etc. Innitially I thought his home would be quite normal looking as he said like it is still in th works, along those lines.. But when I stepped inside... I was like.. wah lau... So kewlllll... Like a witchcraft shop!!! like magical and stuffs kinda feeling, hahax.. I told him about the witchcraft thingy and he rolled his eyes hahx. Quite a unique individual, very knowledgable.. and his house reflected of it as well - the many many many stacks of books equivalent to the amount of a small library - quite impressive! He is quite a daunting and bitchy creature, but somehow there is a good nature in him that I feel I can learn from, something kind amidst the bitchy outer personality.

Really hope to become a person that enjoys people's company and vice versa. Without obligations but desire to share and grow.