Saturday, January 7, 2012 . 3:01 AM

Vexed Thoughts

Back to blogging once more. Listening to Mariah Carey's song, Right to Dream. I've officially completed 4 weeks of my physical training phase in ns, 4 more weeks to go to move to the next phase of 5 weeks before officially POP. Right now there is still the voidness I am feeling yet again in my heart. Something that needs to be filled that I still cannot figure, a little vexed, actually quite.

Things have changed since my 2nd week in ns, 7 bunkmates from the bunk I am in switched with 7 malays from another bunk of the same platoon. Slowly getting used to the new changes, although I would have hoped the 7 bunk mates that moved to stay in the bunk, but coz of the sucky system in camp they had to shift. we have to deal with the new and 'old' malay bunkmates' laziness and sometimes incompetence to complete certain tasks.

I get to see 1st hand, a reminder of how humans can be outrightly selfish, maybe.. even racist right here in singapore. I get irritated how many of those malays do not help out with bunk maintainence when it is supposed to be a combined effort.. Rather during that given time to clean up the bunk, they either sit around doing nothing or just go ironing their own clothes. Stupid people... And they share food usually with their own race, but yet make certain demands for my friend to buy in tidbits the next book in when they themselves don't quite like to share.

I recall sometimes some would, during the period before lunch or dinner or breakfast.. bump us out of line or grab pull some of us behind to get to the 1st row, so they would get higher chance to go for lunch faster than the 2nd and 3rd row. People that think only for themselves..

I have t stay stucked in this training with them for another 4-9 weeks. Hopefully I can learn something useful out of it, hopefully I can recover myself, to know myself better from these experiences. I get very frustrated and tired of all these happening in camp. It is wasted alot of my energy sometimes. Get rushed, get pushed, get worked physicaly, mentally, emotionally.. and after 1 month in ns, I am still homesick.. it can get quite tormenting sometimes. But I need to learn to be strong, I need to grow, I need to learn how to falter and yet climb back up...

Training discipline is very important for betterment of character. I still suck at it in ns I feel at times I can feel really lousy thinking worse the situation than it really is, feeling lonely although there are always people around everywhere.. I can't have the loneness as much as I used to have and want and need to have. It gets to the extend till there are many times I don't know how to react to people, a blurr, a blankness.

I really have to learn to gather my thoughts in the midst of the chaotic nature my mind is put in, to be quick and sharp. Be strong Ron, that is what you have to go through that will benefit you and not make you a worse person. Remember what you blogged before.. in order to know what freedom is, we need to be bound and chained. Learn from the ugly to discver the beautiful... Do not be afraid... Do not forget who you are.. Life can be unfair, but you need to work towards making life fair for you... You only have yourself to fend for, no one can do the job for you... Wake up!