Friday, January 27, 2012 . 8:33 AM
The TowerJust booked out yesterday (friday).. It has been another week to go through in camp.. I am having mixed feelings of my life in there as well as in other areas of my life at the same time. Very vexed now, very tired, in withdrawal mode. Spirit is very cramped up now.. But what can I do to free it? I recognize this cycle of being contented and drooping down low, vexed, angry and frustrated. But this cycle is spiraling upwards to improvement and better understanding of the things happening around me. I notice too that past fears creeping back up is a continual process for growth.
I recall my 1st tarot reading I did for my life, the past card which is of The Tower card.
The spread of pass, present and future cards spoke alot to me. This Tower card is one of them.. The Tower is a card of chaos, spoke to me of taking courage, taking a breath, a deep breath and start on the journey of discovery. The lightining in the sky admist the clouds may seem ominous on the surface, may send the 'weak' heart scrambling back into hiding.. But lightning symbolises light to me. Lightning -> Light -> Source of direction -> Revelation. Lightning are fears in my life that will bring forth revelation and realisation and constant reminder to build upon the courage I am holding up as I go upon this journey (obstacle in image aka thick vines at lowest areas of the image) to fight for my goals, beliefs and dreams.
Fears have been very close to my side since when I was 10. It has put me into hiding for the most part.. Lightning is like a coin.. But I will want to choose.. I will need to flip the coin over from the side of fear, into the side of revelation and understanding amidst all the unknown and fears. You have to build courage Ron, to remind yourself constantly of your hopes, your beliefs. And when you are shaken, pause.. and hold still... Remember the journey you have walked so far, do not forget what you have seen, hear and experienced, learnt... Don't be a fking pussy, suck it up.. The heart has the capacity to be vulnerable and strong at the same time... Open your mind..
Friday, January 20, 2012 . 7:47 PM
Inner SelfWas spending a night with my tarot deck underneath my pillow when I went to sleep. I read that tarots are cards with energy and imageries that are portals that brings us to and reflect the different channels of our inner selves and much of our subconciousness for meditation and spiritual growth and as a person. I mentioned in my previous post that I bought the Tarot of the Sweet Twilight. Beautiful awesummm cards that I can relate to. I laid it under my bed to season the connection of the cards with myself as the energy of my subconcious (dream-conciousness) will be shared with the cards when I am asleep, aka in my dream state, thus allowing the cards to connect with subconcious as the practice of it goes by.
I blog my thoughts down every now and then as I feel it is a very important way of getting things out, like pieces of jigsaw puzzle and overtime to piece them bit by bit together with each blog post. With the tarot cards that I bought it is rather similar but much more interesting and quite more intricate and spiritual way of growth and gaining better understanding.
Really I want to grow, I want to be better, I want to be stronger and be at peace with who I am as a person. One factor that was in my knowledge is to learn to embrace life's spontanous nature, the mysteries that we don't know that lies ahead. But only recently such challenges have crept up more and more. Mind's at times chaotic when I am in camp serving my ns. Interacting with so many different people with very different characters. I have inevitably fallen a couple of steps back in trying to make people around 'happy' while neglecting how I really feel.
I get scared and tired when there are quite alot of things that I can't anticipate, impromptu changes or activities etc. I dislike that feeling of being worried for the unknown. The feeling of not doing enough to satisfy the people around me. Why should I try to satisfy and make people around me happy when I myself am not? Gotta remind myself yet again not to plan my every step and every action, inorder only to make others happy, but to know who I really am, to know my feelings, what I really need and then being able to be of good cheer unto others. I don't always have to try and make effort to make people smile, but rather let things come naturally, and happiness will ease out.
How do I do all these things?? Probably.. hm.. Definitely... through many trials and errors. To learn to source for my inner strength and wisdom and open the channels within my mind and heart to embrace all that to come to be part of my growth. Do not be afraid Ron, you are stronger than you think you are, alot alot.. wayyy stronger..
Saturday, January 14, 2012 . 7:01 AM
Where Will I Go?
Happie.. Met up a good friend over at somerset today to walk around, and we by chance met another friend by chance. Was happie to see them today.. In the end I got myself a new deck of tarot cards I have been looking forward to owning it for a long time.. It is called Tarot of the Sweet Twilight. These are some of the samples right below here..
Beautiful phrases I found on the net that I feels fits the imagery of this deck alot! ♥
'Searching deep in darkened places,
Reaching into vacant spaces,
I touch only shadow faces . . .
... Where are you?
Empty cave in endless mountains,
Dusty, dry, deserted fountains . . .
Pathless, groping, I move hoping
Where are you?
Past songless birds on leafless trees
Cross waveless oceans, silent seas
Through fumbling nights that find no day,
I move and try to find my way . . . '
'Searching deep in darkened places,
Reaching into vacant spaces,
I touch only shadow faces . . .
... Where are you?
Empty cave in endless mountains,
Dusty, dry, deserted fountains . . .
Pathless, groping, I move hoping
Where are you?
Past songless birds on leafless trees
Cross waveless oceans, silent seas
Through fumbling nights that find no day,
I move and try to find my way . . . '
I really love the emotions, colours, melancholic nature, loneness, wistfulness, child-likesness evoked from the imagery of this deck. Truly beautiful.. the sadness in the eyes, tears to me I believe is an evidence of strength. Sometimes we hold on and tough it out for too long till we need a break.. Other times we gather courage, and shed a tear. Just like the message of a song sang by leona lewis, crying is beautiful.. The hope for something to be what it is supposed to be, to be fulfilled and whole, things to be alright. Fighting the teas of yesterday and haboring a strong hope and determination for tomorrow... These are the factors that drove my interest, that enabled a connection for me with the cards.
My life.. I ask myself every so often.. what I want or hope for in my life... What are my goals? Do I really love art, drawing, creative activities? Or do I fade in to the norm and take up normal education and take up a normal job nx time and make the best out of the situation? Where do I see myself in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 30yrs, 50yrs time?? Is art my passion, truly my passion?? Have other people's expectations or my self thought-out expectations retarded my growth of my passion? I understand I have to be realistic as a person, as a being, as a vessel. I have to come into reality and accept certain things that cannot be changed or are inevitable. But one thing I do not want to be is to be an empty vessel. I need to be a soulful vessel, I need to be and then to stay alive.
Everyday I pull myself together, or at least I try to. I want to make the best out of any situations I am in, it will not be easy but this is life, life is full of shit, so much so that sometimes we jut have to accept and to make the best out of the situation. Do not be afraid Ron, face your fears... Fears that are like the lightning.. Lightnings that are strong, emotive, impressionation, source of bright light. Lights that will shed the way for my journey. Fears will be my revelation into my goals, my deepest yearnings in life. I will figure and travel my life journey one day and I want this canvas of mine to be bittersweet, an impressionable one.
Saturday, January 7, 2012 . 3:01 AM
Vexed ThoughtsBack to blogging once more. Listening to Mariah Carey's song, Right to Dream. I've officially completed 4 weeks of my physical training phase in ns, 4 more weeks to go to move to the next phase of 5 weeks before officially POP. Right now there is still the voidness I am feeling yet again in my heart. Something that needs to be filled that I still cannot figure, a little vexed, actually quite.
Things have changed since my 2nd week in ns, 7 bunkmates from the bunk I am in switched with 7 malays from another bunk of the same platoon. Slowly getting used to the new changes, although I would have hoped the 7 bunk mates that moved to stay in the bunk, but coz of the sucky system in camp they had to shift. we have to deal with the new and 'old' malay bunkmates' laziness and sometimes incompetence to complete certain tasks.
I get to see 1st hand, a reminder of how humans can be outrightly selfish, maybe.. even racist right here in singapore. I get irritated how many of those malays do not help out with bunk maintainence when it is supposed to be a combined effort.. Rather during that given time to clean up the bunk, they either sit around doing nothing or just go ironing their own clothes. Stupid people... And they share food usually with their own race, but yet make certain demands for my friend to buy in tidbits the next book in when they themselves don't quite like to share.
I recall sometimes some would, during the period before lunch or dinner or breakfast.. bump us out of line or grab pull some of us behind to get to the 1st row, so they would get higher chance to go for lunch faster than the 2nd and 3rd row. People that think only for themselves..
I have t stay stucked in this training with them for another 4-9 weeks. Hopefully I can learn something useful out of it, hopefully I can recover myself, to know myself better from these experiences. I get very frustrated and tired of all these happening in camp. It is wasted alot of my energy sometimes. Get rushed, get pushed, get worked physicaly, mentally, emotionally.. and after 1 month in ns, I am still homesick.. it can get quite tormenting sometimes. But I need to learn to be strong, I need to grow, I need to learn how to falter and yet climb back up...
Training discipline is very important for betterment of character. I still suck at it in ns I feel at times I can feel really lousy thinking worse the situation than it really is, feeling lonely although there are always people around everywhere.. I can't have the loneness as much as I used to have and want and need to have. It gets to the extend till there are many times I don't know how to react to people, a blurr, a blankness.
I really have to learn to gather my thoughts in the midst of the chaotic nature my mind is put in, to be quick and sharp. Be strong Ron, that is what you have to go through that will benefit you and not make you a worse person. Remember what you blogged before.. in order to know what freedom is, we need to be bound and chained. Learn from the ugly to discver the beautiful... Do not be afraid... Do not forget who you are.. Life can be unfair, but you need to work towards making life fair for you... You only have yourself to fend for, no one can do the job for you... Wake up!