Wednesday, November 30, 2011 . 7:24 AM

Worries -> Prioritize

Feeling spiritually dry lately. I feel my mind is a blank right now, like I don't know what to think or what to do. It is a strange feeling.. Of feeling just blank. Maybe I am thinking too much about what could be, about how I can make better use of my time or how I can plan my future or how I can prepare the present for a good friend's coming 21st birthday or.. or... etc etc.. It is like blank = white. It is like emptiness but then, the colour white is made up of several colours mixed together like the colour wheel when it is spun.

Think too much, do to much = attaining nothingness. Reach and spiral back to square one. I'm trying to sort my thoughts here as I know and I just know something isn't right, this uncomfortable lingering feeling. I am learning step by step and I know I shouldn't leave any such uncomfortable feelings lying around in me, in my mind... I should get hold of it... Try to understand and then know what's going on.

I think I am over-worrying. Worrying is not a bad thing I believe. But I have to reorganize how these feelings function, how to sort and balance, prioritize things better. Hmmmm yep yep Prioritize is the word :). I have learnt to slowly understand things around me and my life, and now I think it is a phase to work of how to deal with the issues in my life, things to work on. Life my art, the development of it. Friends, building friendship, friends that I feel are really worth knowing and keeping. There is a need also for my financial planning.

Life is full of joy and also full of disappointments. This is the fact, the reality I have to come into. After accepting this fact that life isn't meant to be perfect, then I can explore and learn to extend my wings slowly to help myself walk.. then run.. after which then I will learn to fly. Flying however... is a whole other nature a whole other monster to control. The risks involved are great. So before I start to move onto the greater things and responsibilities in life, I have to learn to manage and understand simpler things. I can do it...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011 . 10:55 AM

Truth.. Honesty..

These days I have been doing, thinking, understanding things with a clearer mind. I'm happy for the change and growth as a person internally, emotioanlly and mentally. I realize over the course of learning to love myself, that I am not a very spiteful person as I thought myself to be last time and I am not that weak as I have thought so. I am strong if I want to, it is a choice and concious decision to be truthful to be strong to be positive and hopeful.

I have this goood friend in lasalle. I have been talking quite frequently with and I really do love him quite alot as a friend. I find he probably is the one friend that I can connect with heart to heart, very indepth and still be able to really relate n understand from each other.

There are times when I feel tormented.. there are times that I feel tired.. there are times i feel ashamed of myself and the things I have done or not done.. There are times when I react out of fear.. There are times when I take heart and begin to tear.. There are times when I learn to be composed and take pride and joy in the strength I am beginning to understand... There are times where I know and I just know I have to let my heart go and let life and happiness find me..

I remember I was so focused on results.. on my goals especially in my art. It affected the other areas of my life like the simple things I do as well this mindset of impatience and fear of not achieving something or not making a mark to show people that I am not a nobody that I am 'capable'. This lasalle friend has taught me a whole ot of things and reminded me of how vibrant, simple and fun life is.. Just by communicating and knowing him as a person, is very worth it. Simplicity and spontaneous in the process and present is so important. To be able to keep alive and feel the things in life and experience them fully.

I used to be very flustered very easily... Very nervous an anxious very very easily. But I realize being honest and learning to be true, nomattr how unpredictable or badass sometimes situation may make me seem.. it is ok.. it is worth it, as long as I have peace in my heart and self-assurance. Truth :)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 . 7:09 AM

Simple Love

I remember seeing this video a few years back. I think it was a father's day video. Somehow I got to watch it again today. The 3 times I watched it, I teared 3 times. Sometimes we get so caught up with what we want and need, yet forgotten what was so simple and beautiful...

Monday, November 14, 2011 . 9:52 AM

Confidence

Falalalala back here bloggingggg.. Now listening to Damien Rice's song, 9 Crimes and relistened to Music Box by Mariah carey today. Good in relaxing the mind with good musiccc... :) Recently I have been browsing yet again randomly on tarot decks and came across one which I really really like.. It is called Tarot of the Sweet Twilight. I went to Kino at taka area to look for it. They left one of that deck on the shelf but I was too broke to buy... !!!!!!! I can really relate to the sadness and hope I see in the cards of that deck. below is the link of the card images.. very very beautiful...

http://strangerealms.multiply.com/photos/album/135

Lately I feel I am becoming more aware of myself. Like some form of understanding and realization tweaked inside of me... I do re-read my posts from time to time to remind myself of my past thoughts on what I have understood from the past and remind myself of my hopes. And through blogging, I feel strongly that it does help with my growth as a person as well.

I've started to become more confident of myself.. Knowing then slowly understanding it is ok to feel good, that I am good enough and not this ugly creature I have always used to think of myself.. That distorted self-image I am taking concious effort to eliminate. To feel good, to believe in myself, to want to hope and want to dream big for my future... are steps I am taking to love myself better... I really don't want to care if people may misinterpret it as being selfish but what is more important is to have the truth and the peace in my heart than satisfying people that don't get it.

Whatever problems come in my way.. I have to remind myself to pause.. relax... take a step back.. observe.. let things sink in naturally and react. Taking a step back to problems also helped me to look at many things in angles I have not seen in before. I want to see things what the average person can't. I want to have the capacity to take in the joy and pain the average person can't. I want to live life as much as I can... Without fear, but with courage and believing in myself... in the innermost core of my heart... But I have to work hard also for my dreams to materialize. Someday :)