Saturday, October 1, 2011 . 1:10 PM

Friends? Friends...

late nite up again.. now it's almost 4am now typing this blog post listening to Rihanna's Te Amo and Rehab. Good to dwell in some mainstream music every now and then. I noticed it gets a bit painful for the heart somehow to listen to good non-mainstream music that touches the core of the heart. So from time to time to balance it out with some 'junk' music.. :P Had some pumpkin cake and bananas for supper... Stomach feels weird.. but whadeva.. lol..

So lately again I have been thinking back about the friends I have known all along, friends I have made in my previous school lasalle, and aj friends I got to know along the way. Every part of those groups of friends from different walks of life, carries different bags of suprises, joy, drama and pain. It gets tiring through this walk of friendship.. It is as though I complain everything is tiring lately but yes even friendships demand quite abit from time to time. Honestly speaking I don't think I am a good person, a good friend to the friends that matters to me. Alot of space to improve.. to learn a balance between loving self and selflessness for building friendships.

There are many times too that I have been pissed off by people I know, or people I THOUGHT i have become closer with... but gahhh its rubbish sometimes how things work out or doesn't work out. And I know and understand there are a damn whole lot of times I may have annoyed, pissed others off as well.. I noticed one thing is that.. I get comfortable when people are not nice to me... I don't mean literally indifferent or even ignorant of my needs as a friend but just not having the nice facade makes me more comfortable with people. Maybe I like people being nasty towards me?? sounds sick but.. There's some truth to it I feel as least for myself.. somehow.. Hmmm I get uncomfortable too with people putting a nice facade over.. I will automatically put on a Mr Nice mask over in return to how they treat me.. Nomatter how much I try to tear the mask down it wouldnt quite work out..

So I'm typing.. I need more NASTY people around me! I need people that are truthful in how they treat others not out of niceness, obligations, should/should nots but treat people with a heart and understanding. I need to learn and understand myself better too... Knowing not to be nice, not to always feel obligated to people, not to try too hard, not to try to please people, not to to nice to be 'likable'... all this just isn't enough! I need to understand... understanding that with time and with continual efforts and reminders will help me grow. Doesn't matter if people don't like me... But as long I know I truly love who I am and who I will become... It is all enough. I'll end with some phrases of Jessie J's lyrics from her song, Who You Are.

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believeing. It's ok not to be ok. Sometimes it hard hard hard... to follow your hearttt. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are.. yeahhhehhhhh...