Wednesday, October 26, 2011 . 12:26 PM
Breathe Truth Breathe Courage Breathe LifeI had a fun day at the bitch/beach today ^^. Though it was raining but it was interesting to learn that my friend is scared of crabs... hur hur... But anyway.. I'm up again thinking about certain things.. About the things in life, what truly inportant... What is truly difficult and precious.
I remember almost a year back before I stopped going to church. I sat down over dinner with one of my church friend. I couldn't bring myself one of the reasons I am leaving church was that I am gay. Haixz. But I put on a mask.. smiled away my anguish... well hmm.. not quite really... He was frustrated that I told him I could not tell him the main reason and he told me honestly and almost bluntly... along the lines in why are you smiling, stop smiling... I needed to conceal the anguish at that time. But when he mentioned me to stop smiling... the mask I put on to conceal what is inside of me, I started tearing. Even though I did not tell him the reason after, truth in my emotions poured out.
From that incident, I have learn't to be true. Some lessons the hard way, whether emotionally or physically. I've learnt not to laugh off my problems. But to have a level-mind a clear head and especially a clear, strong and thoughtful heart when making decisions. I am growing to be more assured of myself and in what I believe in. I feel I am growing with more understanding.
Sometimes it is not a smile we need in return when we are in anguish, sometimes people's expression of ignorance and being indifferent in response to our already tormented heat could be a phase of freeing what is inside the tormented, depressed core of the problems. We need to be isolated and lonely and chained up to be able to understand and truly appreciate what is free and alive. I have reminded myself to stop laughing or smiling away when I know I need a level-head to think, to feel... And not to put it off or avoid problems. In life we have to face reality and be fearless to our problems. Only when we are courageous, can we keep the wellspring of our life and hearts flowing and growing. Rem all these Ron,