Sunday, October 30, 2011 . 7:05 AM

Exhausted

Feeling quite tired and drained emotionally. So here I am typing away again. It's becoming a habit of mine to blog usually when I need to get things out of my head or mostly when I feel down.

Just 2 days ago mum was admitted to hospital for some infection related problems ( concluded through some blood tests ). Went to visit her yesterday in the evening. She was quite jovial, hyper and comical, lol.. It was good talking and keeping her company for that few hours. When it was around 7.30pm I headed home. On the way my sis called crying over the phone and she told me something cropped up with my father that 2 uncles have to carry him back home coz he couldn't walk. The way she described made me uneasy adding to the fact that she was crying.

I got home and realized no one was in. Then my sister called and told me to head downstairs, then my sister's bf drove my dad, and the rest of us to TTSH to have my father a more thorough check up. He can't walk, it is the 1st time something like this happened to him. That's why I guess my sis got freaked out quite a bit. The consultation at TTSH took quite a while, and we reached home almost 1. Dad's still feeling pain yet he can't stop moving about =.=...

When I was in my sis's bf's car on the way home from TTSH, a sudden thought jolted through my mind. What if my parents weren't here anymore?? It is not the 1st time that I think of this issue of my parents leaving and passing on, later in the future. But through the consecutive of jolts of such thoughts, it feels closer and more real each time. I remember when I was around 7yrs old I started having such fears that my mum would leave me. One time I remembered having a nightmare and woke up tearing that I thought my mum has left. Few occassions around that period I woud hug my mum at night when I was sleeping beside her scared I'd no longer have her by my side. When I was young, it was already apparent to me that my parents had me and my sis at quite an old age as compared to most of my schoolmates. Somehow the fear of losing them 'early' crept in early in my younger days.

If they were to leave, I would have to fend for myself. I have to be independent. I have to be motivated and keep walking. But all these would take alot of excruciating hardwork to achievea dn even so, I don't think I can ever perfect the craft of being a 'good' adult.

There are fears too that my time may be up, I fear but realize there is nothing to lose.. coz I came to the world with nothing and I'll leave with nothing. But I want to bring memories with me those happy, sad, genuine, heartfelt memories. Bring along the bonds I have made and broken along the way. And to leave all regrets behind. Feel very tired.. very very exhausted.

Anyway here's a pic of my mum and I at the hospital. Getting better already hopefully ^^

Wednesday, October 26, 2011 . 12:26 PM

Breathe Truth Breathe Courage Breathe Life

I had a fun day at the bitch/beach today ^^. Though it was raining but it was interesting to learn that my friend is scared of crabs... hur hur... But anyway.. I'm up again thinking about certain things.. About the things in life, what truly inportant... What is truly difficult and precious.

I remember almost a year back before I stopped going to church. I sat down over dinner with one of my church friend. I couldn't bring myself one of the reasons I am leaving church was that I am gay. Haixz. But I put on a mask.. smiled away my anguish... well hmm.. not quite really... He was frustrated that I told him I could not tell him the main reason and he told me honestly and almost bluntly... along the lines in why are you smiling, stop smiling... I needed to conceal the anguish at that time. But when he mentioned me to stop smiling... the mask I put on to conceal what is inside of me, I started tearing. Even though I did not tell him the reason after, truth in my emotions poured out.

From that incident, I have learn't to be true. Some lessons the hard way, whether emotionally or physically. I've learnt not to laugh off my problems. But to have a level-mind a clear head and especially a clear, strong and thoughtful heart when making decisions. I am growing to be more assured of myself and in what I believe in. I feel I am growing with more understanding.

Sometimes it is not a smile we need in return when we are in anguish, sometimes people's expression of ignorance and being indifferent in response to our already tormented heat could be a phase of freeing what is inside the tormented, depressed core of the problems. We need to be isolated and lonely and chained up to be able to understand and truly appreciate what is free and alive. I have reminded myself to stop laughing or smiling away when I know I need a level-head to think, to feel... And not to put it off or avoid problems. In life we have to face reality and be fearless to our problems. Only when we are courageous, can we keep the wellspring of our life and hearts flowing and growing. Rem all these Ron,

Monday, October 24, 2011 . 3:19 AM

Momentum

Whew... I just finished exercising, some push ups, crunches and with dumbbells. During some sessions of working out, I felt lethargic, wanna get over and done with it. But today something tick on me. I felt that I do not want this regime to be something only just to make myself look better physically but also be of some challenge and staying healthy. To feel good inside and out. Then I felt maybe the exercise needs to build up a certain momentum. Slowly it went by and I was kinda enjoying the process of it. It took an hour plus to complete it but time seemed to pass faster than that.

Then I thought.. It's good to have this momentum and positive thinking. I then started to think life too... our journeys we needs some motivation.. need some momentum. Hav to work harder and harder more and more, take up greater and greater tasks in our hands as we progress in life. Life is a progression, not a degradation at least for the things we learn and grow internally, mentally and emotionally. Maybe that is why I am upset and feel bad when I feel I do not do enough. It's not I am really wasting my time but.. I really could and should be doing more to improve my life. Maybe I should read more for knowledge and understanding. Head out more and accompany my mum to the park or somthing the breathe some fresh air... to actively get references for my next drawing so I can start on it.

I need progress... And I enjoy seeing friends and people around me improve too in life. I have all the answers to all my questions.. all that is mostly still buried within my heart and the places that I will venture in the present, future and in the people that I will meet and experience life with. Progression.. Momentum... The drive to keep moving on... The satisfaction and understanding depriving out of it. Bliss....

Wednesday, October 19, 2011 . 10:53 AM

Growth and Simplicity

I'm listening to Rihanna's new song, We Found Love. Ok not exactly an emo song or some heartfelt song that i would usually take my time to listen but recently I feel that I need a light-hearted and positive song like this. To fk all the negativity. To fk all the tiredness. To fk all the frustrations. To fk all the sadness.. I don't want to laugh it off... don't want to laugh all the negativity off.. but I want to learn to understand. I want to grow to learn to deal with it, use all those energy as my tool to propell myself forward in life.

I have been quite emo lately. How I wish there's someone (yahhh I know it is cliche) here by my side to share our life with each other and to experience life together. To care for and love one another unconditionally. We are created to love. To understand what's true in our hearts. I feel the guy I like, is impossible for any further development at all. And it is very hard somehow for me to crush on and take interest in a person. I think it is because overtime when I learn to somehow love myself better, I have learnt slowly about the things I want and more clear about them.

Really I wonder when I will find that someone I like (so tough..) and with mutual feelings (even fkingly tougher). But enough of this emo shit! lolx... Had dinner with 2 good friends today, simple meet up and dinner and walk around. Felt v happy somehow. To do simple things with the people I love. The people I appreciate. I am starting to understand more things, I can feel the positive difference. Just sometimes I lose the patience and be complacent.

I need the patience and determination to peservere on.. Ron u can do it!

Thursday, October 13, 2011 . 8:27 AM

Another World

Back to blooo oorhh gging againnn. Maybe I've been having too much time on my hands lately.. 2 months left till NS. . . . Been thinking about stuffs trying to get to learn new things such as toarot reading.. I'll write up a post about tarot-reading sometime when I am more familiar wit it. =)

I've been questioning and asking myself.. why do people have to not just go through joy but also pain everyday. People are sad, feeling hurt, dying, passing away, feeling lonely.. everyday. In this world there can never be happiness that can be so true that will last forever without being interrupted with some kind of disappointment or sadness along the way. We have to put up with question marks in our heads wanting to solve the mysteries in life. Why so many times I don't think I can fit in... Why so many times there is this cycle of sadness, loneliness, hopelessness.

Maybe we are made for something bigger... maybe there is another world out there? somewhere? I am not talking in the mere idea of heaven but..some place we'd go that we don't quite see right now? My heart is in a cycle of being burdened.. And I wonder when will all these shit just... STOP. We long to be freed by all burdens and to love, to desire freely... to be accepted freely... to bond freely.. to share freely to receive freely..

Is there another world out there, a place truly great, truly beautiful.. truly chidlike... vibrant... sometimes romantic.. sometimes bright bold and lively... Somewhere so free.......so vast... somewhere that could fulfil the yearnings of all our desires..  Somewhere I could share it also with the person that makes me whole?

Saturday, October 8, 2011 . 12:15 PM

Disappointments... Truth... My drawing...

Its late again.. 2.45am and I am posting... blogging... need to wash up but really hope to get this out of my had my heart.

Recently I have completed my drawing that I have been working on and off for months due to work commitments and the sorta intricate development of the artwork itself. I really loved the drawing I have done. It is my favorite piece to date, I felt it's my strongest drawing to date so far... But when I posted it onto deviantart.. The response wasn't good at all... compared to my other works that I feel is 'lousier', the amount of favorite for that work isn't as many as I would hope for.

I was anxious... Why isn't my efforts paying off?? The drawing I have put so much effort heart and soul into. Is it because I have not posted any new art within the past 1 year prior to this post of latest artwork? That's why hence the lousy response? Am I not good enough? Then my thoughts progressed on to.. Ron... Are you strong, talented enough to become a full-time artist? Maybe you shouldn't have carried on with this so-called dream/ambition. You're a fool if you think you can make it big.. Ppl aren't really liking your work you post online. What makes you think you can be an artist?!

All these thoughts running wild.... It is not because I have not received good comments about what I do but the response was lacking by alot in comparision to what I usually would have compared to my previous works. I had thought this would be my best drawing so far, but the response so far has shown me highly unlikely...

But I loved the way it turned out.. I have believed so much in it.. My vision for it... Has it turned a lie what I have seen so far I ask myself. A good artist friend who has always been very very supportive of me and my works even commented today that it isn't my best work, coz lack of balance quality, along those lines. I was utterly down.. It hasn't been a great great end to my day today and I come home to read that. I was very depressed moments ago.

But I went to check my messages again... I saw 2 new feedbacks...

'Stay unique and be a true blue out there!'

'YOU ARE A TALENTED ARTIST AND I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE TO BECOME BETTER..EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE PRETTY AWESOME ALREADY!
PEACE AND RAINBOWS!'

After reading those 2 comments, It really lifted up my spirit... Maybe I wasn't so bad afterall.. People were still believing in me.. even strangers... People who don't know me at all.. People who see something in my in my art that I though other's never would after this incident of lacking a certain 'good' response compared to my previous artworks.

It led me to think... Recall a friend of mine... whom I got to know.. a very good friend of mine.. When I 1st known him in my art school.. during the 1st year I found him repulsive... like a jerk and idiot.. He didnt seem to have alot of friends... I was tormented with him by my side throughout the whole 1st year... but moving on into my speciality in 2nd year we went into the same course.. I started opening my heart and started to see there was something very different about him compared to other people... And now... He is one of my closest friend... This guy has a heart of gold... I am honored to be his friend.

This just reminded me that not all good things others will appreciate... Doesn't mean the masses of 'positive' feedback would determine the quality of my drawing... It is the quality and in how much I believe in myself and the few people would see it that really matters. Just like my friend who stays true to his heart... Nomatter how dreadful life can be to him, doesn't matter if he may feel like an outsider, outcast... but to me he is very precious. It isn't about the quantity that matters... But the Quality! Without love we are nothing!

My post is kinda long today, I think it is the longest post I have so far... but whew!!! I've gotteen these outta my head outta my head! I feel great!! I'll share this drawing here I've been talking about. Done in charcoal pencils on paper.




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Thursday, October 6, 2011 . 10:14 AM

White Lies

I was listeing to Jupiter Rising, their song called Guarded. For some reason, for no reason, I let my emotions go. I was feeling drained, something caught up inside. I started crying. crying only when no one is around me, when I am by myself. I feel so lonely, but I know everyone has to fight their own battles. But I just don't understand. I don't understand what goes under and beyond all that.

Maybe the future will shed some light upon it. I'm still weak and frail in my heart and yet there is a strong will inside, something unspeakable.. Something I can't quite access.. as yet.. What can I do with my life? What can I do to make it all worth while? Why am I so afraid? Why do I think I am a failure?

I remember watching making of the band, about Danity Kane the female group their process before makiing it big. There is ady I think her name is Aubrey. There was a point where she broke down, her insecurities crept up, back up. In her mind, it telling her she is a pretty white girl that can't sing. I felt for her, vunerable but she still wouldn't give up. The lady that trained them on their dancing was talking to her when she broke down. She told Aubrey that those in her mind are just white lies.. White lies that are just not true.

I can't believe what my own white lies says, I can't put myself down when I don't get a 'good' reaction. I need to step back and look. There is something more.. Where? Just where? I am asking...

Sunday, October 2, 2011 . 10:28 AM

That Guy...

Listening to Kelly Clarkson's song, Mr Know-it-all. Nice song! Though hardly any relevance to what I am feeling now.. So empty in my heart. When I think of this guy, I like him alot, alot.. alot. Sometimes I even think if liking him, the fact that I like him makes sense at all, if I really do like him. But when I think of him, I feel sad, I feel useless, I feel silly... haha.. really...

I can't make him like me the way I like him. He is just there, has his own life, I am here trying to make my life better. Time passes so slow, and it does get excruciating... He is attractive to me coz I feel and believe he knows what he really wants.. for his life, his love, his goals. Just talking to him motivates me to work hard for my own life. And I feel he is a good person, a good listener. But it will not cross this line, will never. Pretty much certain about it.

When I think about him, it just makes me think.. I'm not good enough... not good enough... But I need to know and understand I will find another than settle for the impossible... I feel like crashing my head against the wall.. wanna break down. It's all silly! fk all these emotions. Ron quit feeling sorry for yourself... Give yourself time to get better.. as a person and in life and future career. No point rushing... rushing that doesn't build up any foundation at all.. Fk all these impatience...

This loneliness will not go away now but It will not last for a lifetime... please believe this!

Saturday, October 1, 2011 . 1:10 PM

Friends? Friends...

late nite up again.. now it's almost 4am now typing this blog post listening to Rihanna's Te Amo and Rehab. Good to dwell in some mainstream music every now and then. I noticed it gets a bit painful for the heart somehow to listen to good non-mainstream music that touches the core of the heart. So from time to time to balance it out with some 'junk' music.. :P Had some pumpkin cake and bananas for supper... Stomach feels weird.. but whadeva.. lol..

So lately again I have been thinking back about the friends I have known all along, friends I have made in my previous school lasalle, and aj friends I got to know along the way. Every part of those groups of friends from different walks of life, carries different bags of suprises, joy, drama and pain. It gets tiring through this walk of friendship.. It is as though I complain everything is tiring lately but yes even friendships demand quite abit from time to time. Honestly speaking I don't think I am a good person, a good friend to the friends that matters to me. Alot of space to improve.. to learn a balance between loving self and selflessness for building friendships.

There are many times too that I have been pissed off by people I know, or people I THOUGHT i have become closer with... but gahhh its rubbish sometimes how things work out or doesn't work out. And I know and understand there are a damn whole lot of times I may have annoyed, pissed others off as well.. I noticed one thing is that.. I get comfortable when people are not nice to me... I don't mean literally indifferent or even ignorant of my needs as a friend but just not having the nice facade makes me more comfortable with people. Maybe I like people being nasty towards me?? sounds sick but.. There's some truth to it I feel as least for myself.. somehow.. Hmmm I get uncomfortable too with people putting a nice facade over.. I will automatically put on a Mr Nice mask over in return to how they treat me.. Nomatter how much I try to tear the mask down it wouldnt quite work out..

So I'm typing.. I need more NASTY people around me! I need people that are truthful in how they treat others not out of niceness, obligations, should/should nots but treat people with a heart and understanding. I need to learn and understand myself better too... Knowing not to be nice, not to always feel obligated to people, not to try too hard, not to try to please people, not to to nice to be 'likable'... all this just isn't enough! I need to understand... understanding that with time and with continual efforts and reminders will help me grow. Doesn't matter if people don't like me... But as long I know I truly love who I am and who I will become... It is all enough. I'll end with some phrases of Jessie J's lyrics from her song, Who You Are.

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believeing. It's ok not to be ok. Sometimes it hard hard hard... to follow your hearttt. Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising. Just be true to who you are.. yeahhhehhhhh...