Monday, September 19, 2011 . 1:03 PM

Quality friends... True self...

Falalalalalaaaa... nah nah nah c'mon... na na na.. c'mon..! lol... random random sia...

Hmmm.. well... I don't know wth am I still up at this hour... it's 3.40am in the morning as I am typing this post... It isn't too late or too early.. for sleep in my 'standards'. But I'm hoping to sleep earlier like say 2.30-3am daily.. Now I feel so unhealthy.. but whadevaaaaaaa!

just feeling some things in my heart that is feeling sorta flustered. I feel like wasting my time away... into nothingness... Something's apparent in me that I have noticed and felt.. and am feeling. The essence and dent of emptiness. Feeling a soul that is hanging, hovering, vague... redundant.. evanescence...

And my mind starts to linger into other thoughts of the friendships I have made so far.. in this aj thingy... So many negative occurances and regretable things I have encountered and gone through... Pinches my heart every now and then. Silly moments... times of feeling like a shithead... like a dummy... and other times feeling disappointments... In such a short span of time I have met qyuite alot of new people, talked to quite a number of new people/friends whether online or offline... people come and go... the nature of how human relationships work or how they work if they are not actively maintained.

I'm tired of making new friends.. I would receive private msgs in few gay sites, I do reply them being polite, in the sense of courtesy. coz I would hope or expect to have some form of such courtesy when I send pms too. But these days it just gets exhausting... Msging people that I have not talked before or am unfamiliar with is becoming like a chore till I no longer reply consistently, other times seemingly ignoring msgs.

Also recently I have been slowly clearing my msn contacts bit by bit as well as some on facebook.. clearing some aj contacts. I would rather have quality than quantity in the friendships i make in this 'circle'. I remembered a friend wiped out quite a number of his contacts from his msn few weeks ago. I was one of them. For certain reasons and reasons that were too, maybe, unspokened of, I became cleared from his list of contacts.

I was upset over it i guess... yep.. And I consulted a friend about it. Somehow he shared his view about it and talked about fair-weathered friends as well as friends that has quality. Through this mini wipe from the friend and conversing with another friend, slowly overtime have led me to feel maybe it's time I should slow down... I am not gaining anything from trying to know tons of people, trying to keep chatting n chatting n pleasing people... I am not being my fking self... I'm too nice to people... fk the niceness man really...

I just want to be who I am meant to be, whether people like it or not... I want to grow into this person that is truthful in actions rather than acting all nice... saint... holy.... moly.... silly.... virginal idiot.. looool... Ok maybe putting virginal into one of the descriptions isn't such a good idea.... as long as it makes certain sense... oh wellllllll......

There's no use in trying to know people, satisfy people, being nice to people when I am not being true to my own heart... being dead on the inside... I want to fk life fk everything that has given me this nice attitude.. but I am going to grow into someone that I can be proud of... I want to love the people the friends I feel are worth keeping. I want to love life... And totally will not want to slip and melt... fade.... into nothingnesssssssssssssssssssssssss...............