Monday, September 5, 2011 . 9:40 AM

Needy Fool's Out Of Place

Haixz. I'm listening to Mariah's Music Box song now. . . Quite pek cek. I've a friend heading to ns this thursday for recruitment so some of us we had a phone conference.. just ended a few mins ago.

Initially I felt the convrsation was fine, but at the later half I just grew tired. Especially when they have talks of what str8s would talk about. Talked about girls.. Str8 relationship.. str8 sex T.T... I don't know what I got myself into seriously and I was already tired. It's hard to hold a conversation with 3 other people, when I'm tired, when I'm not exactly interested and lastly uneasy with what they were talking about.

My initial fears on communicating with people crept up again and it intensified during the phone convo. They are my good frens... I am not frustrated with them but at myself for seeming so disinterested in what they talk.. Hoping to just end the call but stuck on in there for 1 hour... I am feeling guilty of not being good company to them... I don't do well in groups especially when I am tired... Maybe I have a mask that I put that I can't hold up when I am tired.. my almost true self juts out and I feel vulnerable... No where to hide...\

So many insecurities keep kicking back up.. I guess it's also due to feeling lousy as I'm typing this post amost right after the phone conference. It feels too that I can't tell anyone my problems and the usual very small handful of friends that i do share with, I just held up again.. Very tired... really Don't want to appear like a needy fool to them. I'm scared of troubling people, I'm afraid of facing the posibility that I'm not worth their time and effort..

I'm just a mess tonight.. fking mess... This is really stupid... unravelling my hideous past scars, past fears.. But I don't want to stop my journey in living with my heart, my purest desires... I don't want to close myself up... I don't want to close the very wellspring of my life, my heart, just by these negative experiences... Really tired, confused.. It's hard to be true.. to be true as a person... When people say it isn't hard at all being ourselves.. it's a damn fking lie! Understanding doesn't come as we wish it or call it, but with time and effort... and patience.. it's not someting I or we can turn or turn it off... I can't turn this mask I have been frigginly carrying for 1 decade to just turn it off like this. I'm fk tired but this is life.. Ron just deal with it... don't run away from it... don't run away.. ..