Sunday, July 31, 2011 . 8:52 AM

Introvertedness

Just came back from my sis's birthday celebration. Watched with some good friends Harry Potter the 2nd time. Felt watching HP 2nd time was better as I could understand the story better. Haixz.. Been such a long time I last blogged. Been away for sometime not because I was less on thought, but just living life and did not feel the 'need' to blog.

Now I'm back to blogging again. I have quite a lot of things I want to make known to myself. To understand myself better. There's a lot of energy brewing in my heart and mind now, the positive and the negative. Through human interactions, sharing people's tiredness, pain, sadness and happiness, meet-ups, birthday celebrations etc, I've learnt more about people, life and myself. I can't put many things verbally into words as most are meant to be felt and understood with the heart.

I had a good talk with my cousin at my sister's birthday party today. Yet again I felt lonely, Felt disheartened that the friends that came along with me left quite early. I was left quite alone at the venue, a function room. I looked at my church friend that came along. He was socializing with my sister's group of friends playing the cards with them, joyful-looking. I was there sitting by myself as I felt uncomfortable socializing with them. It was like this too earlier this year at my sister's bf's birthday celebration. I began to think, why isn't there someone who would try to understand me at a personal level. People seem to be so busy with their lives, I know I am too. But I just felt upset and lonely I did not have anyone to sit down with me, to understand and relate to me at a personal level. Without walls and talk to our souls' content.

I was just there sitting my myself. I hated that feeling of feeling so alone, i detest that feeling that other's have their company, I'm just sitting right there having dinner by myself. I started beating myself up coz I'm fking tired and stressed. I wanted to pour my heart out, but I couldn't.. Why people seem to be really extrovert, I observed and all the more my observations, my surroundings made it seem more and more that introvertness is a sin, is a disease. That monster whispering into my soul's ear, deceiving me. The mind knows it's bullshit, but the heart... my heart couldn't help but believe it. The cycle of beating myself up, being an introvert... is a sin. Is something really ugly. Is what other's detest off... of me.. throughout my life from my early days, I have been suffering from this insecurity. I couldn't accept myself as an introvert. To break away from the norm, to understand certain aspects in life at a deeper level than what most people could, to feel things at a deeper level, or even my direction in life, how I interact with people... I'm like an expression of deviation of what the mainstream society is.

I feel condemned.. I know I will learn.. I believe I will learn to accept myself as an introvert, as someone taking the road less taken by most. But now I feel it is important for myself to accept the fact too of my disappointments, of my heart cries. I won't reject the sadness in my heart, as I believe accepting our own flaws, our own realities of our hearts can bring forth a continual journey to understand self, life and others better. My heart and mind is deeply tormented.