Saturday, June 25, 2011 . 11:22 AM

Understanding > Analyzing

Lalalala.. it's the weekend and i'm typing again on this blog.. lalalala the randomness of life, can be =( and can be =))))).. I've started work recently for about a week already.. learning new things, learning about conversing with people at work, learning slowly to be more responsible, to motivate myself, to be more positive.

Yesterday night met up friends again.. Kor, Sun Zi and friends for dinner at carl's junior and later at marina bay place to chill n chat n eat cheesecake! =P It has been a good day, going out with them. To learn to be more open to people, to learn to appreciate them. I'm not very good with conversing with people but it's a weakness that I feel that can be my niche, can be an element I can potentially grow and build upon to be better with people, to propel myself forward to enjoy life to it's fullest. I'm imperfect but I wouldn't want my insecurities to hold me down.. to let people's negativity and even my own negativity to pull be down to retardation.

I've been reading a book about drawing closer to the heart of God. One part of it I recalled reading was that getting to know people is not about trying to analyze who they are but to get to know and understand them, who they are, what they are about, what we love about the people around us. Even it can be applied to learn how to love ourselves better is to appreciate who we really are, to understand than analyze ourselves with the the mind, more fruitful when it is carried out with the heart, and we than learn to understand rather than just know we or what we are.

Thankful for God to place me to know the people I have known recently and especially also to the friends I have known but talked less - still appreciate them just as much. Thankful to get this job I have recently gotten. To understand nervousness and fear are not as intimidating as they seem, all's in the head.. to know and believe I am not leading a messed up life, but I am at the right place at the right time.

Saturday, June 18, 2011 . 11:33 AM

Friends, Pinkdot, Movie

LOL my eyes are frigging shutting now... si bei tired after a whole day of outing... !st met some some friends for lunch at clarke quay at the ba kut teh store. Then later went down to the pinkdot event after which we went for dinner at crystal jade, then the movies watching Green Lantern. Tired! haha.

Today I've met up with some familiar friends from blowing wind forums that I have previously met up before. But it was also great seeing people that I have chatted online but have never met before. Going to pinkdot was really good. There wasn't much that we could do there, it was friggin humid... but I feel the company there was great.. was happy going there with friends and new friends, meeting familiar faces. It was just great to be there.. to feel and take in the whole atmosphere of acceptance n familiarity. It may not have been the most interesting place or event, but it was a good experience. To be there and be thankful that the lgbt community is gaining more awareness with each and every passing year.

It may not look much now, where this is heading and where much acceptance from other singaporeans may still be lagging behind and lacking, but to know there is a continual awareness being made, it is encouraging. And just like the movie Green Lantern, stating about having the energy of will to overcome fear.. courage... I believe we can use this energy we have in our hearts... in our beliefs to have a continual hope for the betterment of greater acceptance. If we ajs or lgbt people do not have good hope and energy to believe for our betterment, what more will the public perceive us as?? If we don't give ourselves hope, it's harder for people that do not exactly understand or that can relate to us to accept us. Gotta keep on keeping on, striving on brothers n sistas! =)

Friday, June 10, 2011 . 1:19 PM

In This Life And My Heart

Urgh... My stomach area is aching.. Did sit-ups again after a super duper long time not working at it.. It's weird how this time the ache lasts longer.. =/ Was just munching on my bread with some nutella in it.. Always convenient to have quick 'night' snacks :P tasty treats haha.

These days I have been feeling slightly more melancholic, not really negative though. As life there's always the good and the bad. To have the ups, we muz 1st experience the downs to truely know what is happiness? At least that is what I believe though I feel as though I've just started out on life not too long ago. I don't exactly know what I want for this life.. I don't know where I'm heading.. But somehow it feels I'm starting to know by collecting n piecing together the fragments of everyday life throws at me.

Sometimes I would be quite frustrated thinking about things, over analyzing situations and reactions. Be so worried about other ppl.. about myself and about life.. about the fact qustioning am I being a failure. Over the course of time from my earlier days knowing various ajs whether online or in real life, communicating with them has opened up many many channels in me I have never really seen in myself and in people before. Human nature can be so ugly but then.. there is the other very beautiful side. And that is love that we people can share with one another. Whether if it is just simple caring for a person, a simple nod, a smile, a pat, a hug or a heartfelt conversation.. Love needs to be evident in order that we can truly experience life and really live! I have quite a bit of head knowledge of how life should go.. how to maybe manage certain areas of life better and 'well', but I have yet to experience life fully, and practice what I may know.

Like in my earlier blog posts.. I mentioned that I have issues and 'problems' with people and communications and making friends. Recently I've heard a song from Jewel called Satisfied. About simple action of love.. being sincere as a person and most importantly... to experience love.. start by loving first! THIS I definitely have trouble with! >.<  =(((( I feels so hard to start loving people.. somehow this fear of people is lingering in myself.. still brewing within. I admit that I have issues with my confidence.. Over analyzing the slightest reactions from people that I am not familiar with has made it hard for me to make friends, close friends, easily.

Still growing though =) I will tell myself everyday that today isn't such a bad day however sucky it wud be. That's just life right?

Sunday, June 5, 2011 . 1:49 PM

Human Nature

These days has been alright, events come and go.. I'm still trying in this pathetic state, I'm tired I'm slow in this life and journey that I'm moving along.

Mixing with people has it's perks.. Being around company, being around and sharing of good cheer. Being there to help each other be strong. The continual energy of growth, acceptance, joy, sorrow, peace, love gives human interaction life. It has been hard for me to open to people in real life, but I feel all's alright and all's good. It is just our minds playing tricks speaking lies when negative thoughts come around, breaking bonds, breaking people down.

I'm scared of people.. I'm scared of myself. I don't know what I am yet.. But i'll keep on walking alongside fear, hopefully to be able to defeat it one day, and it'll help me grow. Thank you God for allowing to experience fear and uncertainty. With Your grace I will keep on my path.. steady as it goes however unstable and chaotic the surface brews, the under, the heart will remain calm. You're my inner peace..