Wednesday, March 23, 2011 . 8:30 AM
What I Want...Life what's there to live if there is fear, to overcome it? The fears, uncertainties and hopelessnes along the way. Every phase we enter, or every sub phases in life, we have to re-adjust ourselves to understand and to stretch our comfort level.
I remember the 1st month of getting to know more ajs, my mind was in a whirlwind.. Intense feelings, yearnings, thoughts that I couldn't control.. couldn't comprehend within myself. This homosexual factor in my life, I have never experienced or embraced first-hand in my life before that. Over time, these feelings and yearnings began to build up more and more till I finally decided to let loose from the tight ropes I have kept myself bounded down with. Although I am still learning to comprehend more of this aj side, having confusions from time to time, but my 1st month as a total wreck. As time passes by, I noticed growth and more understanding of myself and what I want and hope for more in this 'circle'.
From time to time, I do have my fears kicking up at me again, and probably everyday I have to learn to kick those thoughts away to stay positive. I fear meeting people.. That fear of people is still lingering within me now and then. Especially learning the aj 'circle' has a superficial element to it, maybe more than the str8's. Sometimes this deals me in my own confidence issues in meeting people as 1stly, I don't have good skin coz of acne. A pretty stupid reason to stay in i must say.. and other areas of myself is detering me from people, one of which is the communication component.
I try to be good and sincere when I know I naturally can towards people. But of coz not when people cross the line one step too far knowing what wouldn't work and yet keep pushing on and on about things and thoughts, so I would draw a line. Other than that, I have been basically more or less balanced apart from closer friends, to the other people like new ajs I talk to or meet. Treating people equally as how I would want others to be so to me. However nice it sounds or however perfect this way of treating people to me is, I grow tired of it being this way. Becoming withdrawn in myself towards people, and especially meeting new people would demand great energy from me.. Then I fear that I would let people down if my tiredness comes up again.
I've shared some of these feelings and thoughts to a nice aj friend from blowing wind forums, on msn conversing. I'll call him mfn, think these are the initials to his name? Maybe.. Hmm and so...The other day I brought thoughts of my fear of people to him. He replied,' u should nt try to understand ppl 1st, cos whats more impt is to understand who u r and what u really want. After that then u try to understand the ppl ard u and fit them in your own structure of lifestyle. Those that do not fit you, most probably they are not there for the long run.'
At 1st it sounded bit selfish somehow to me. I tried to comprehend what he really mean, and it actually made a lot of sense.. This was how my mind adjusted to the surroundings when I was much younger, the naturally social instinct that somehow I've lost pretty much of it along the way. Sometimes asking ourselves what we want, what works or what doesn't may not be selfish at all.. Being realistic sometimes isn't deterring people or rejecting people but it is how it is. To love everyone the same, love neighbour as how I would love myself doesn't mean treating them all around the same, reacting to each and everyone around the same.. I think I could have been plain robotish lol... I believe and come to learn that although I try to treat and love everyone equally, the equally factor I take to literally. That's why probably I have been disappointed quite often and easily even by people that are not really close to me. Truth of the matter is, there will be people tha wouldn't click with me as the same for everyone else. I've to learn to know myself, who I am and what I want all over again, and to understand other's better. Then naturally disappointments wouldn't come as much by people that aren't that close to me. To choose to act and not react to them.
People come and people go.. smiling faces passing by.. Hope I can meet those that aren't here for the temporial that fits into what I'm comfortable with in terms of communication and closer friendships. So much more to learn.. than staying frustrated or being my overly sensitive self..