Sunday, March 6, 2011 . 6:54 AM

Exhausted

Mind's tired out.. Feeling really tired now. tomorrow what am I going to do when I wake up early? Go to school as per normal like nothing has happened about my decision to defer school and enter army? What do I want with my life, myself, my future, the people around me? I'm tired of going in circles, what's there in this fucking life left for me to hope for?

Today I had an argument with my father, a really silly argument. I don't understand what has gone into my father lately.. Destructive nature and he wanted to attempt to hit me again. Kept cursing me with those hokkien bad words.. I'm fucking tired and unhappy with all these things.. 1st losing my passion, slowly regaining back but still unsure of it not near fully. My father over time his behaviour is getting more and more intolerable. My deferrment a decision, on a cross-road now having myself to hold on to while it is happening. Friends have given me their views, mostly pretty balanced and good views, but ultimately it is my decision to make. It is as if I have no comfort left in me, however I remembered that as Christians we shouldn't take comfort in this world as it is our temporary home.

How much more you want me to work my ass off Lord? I know I have been lazy all throughout.. Not taking the initiatives as I would and should. I know and I know I could have done better throughout this whole period of my life. Would you continue to guide me? I refuse to falter under these circumstances, I feel the fear is arising yet again.. Is deferring my studies as a form of running away from it? or is it a period of my life to live apart from the norm once again? All throughout my life, there is this heart that wants to stand out from the rest.. Always dreamed big of becoming an international successful artist someday. Realizing I am a bi (more like an aj), being more of a social outcast compared to the average person, being laughed at when I was younger, avoiding people's goodwill, blaming myself of all that could have been... Yes I'm feeling lousy now Lord.

I do not want to blame myself any longer whether conciously or subconciously. Blaming others doesn't solve the problem. Blaming is a problem an issue of the human flesh sowing discord between others and myself. God teach me... show me the way.. I know I have only You and myself for this temporial comfort on this earth. I'm fked up, I feel as though my initial name I called myself 'ConfusedFella' is again applicable to me. I AM FUCKING TIRED. I want to remain thankful Father.. I don't want to dwell in this self-pity I have set myself in.. fuck it! I need You by my side.. to feel You in my life to tell me everything is alright... I need You. I need You to rejuvenate my heart once again God!