Friday, March 18, 2011 . 9:57 AM

Do Somethin!

What am I thinking now.. what's on my mind.. these days, nothing much that I do. Remember back from young.. kindergaten till secondary school.. it's a process, journey was 'guided' or controlled by the education system. Study study study was what kept me in check, kept me going.. Till a point, right now to decide what I really want. No guided system to keep me going.. and i'm feeling si bei tired just trying to make things work.. or.. more like hoping and freaggin hoping and yet doing nothing.. This feeling is nothingness really sucks. I know I am lazy.. I have to get up and do something! gets me to think about britney's song.. ' I see you lookin at me.. Like I'm some kind of freak.. Get up out of your seat.. Why don't you DO SOMETHIN?!'

Totally man.. totally to get up and do something rather than being pissed in my own situation. I chose this path.. to go into army 1st.. Right now I have to get up on my butt to find a freaggin job.. earn some spare cash... n my free-time work on my passion.. drawing.. Sometimes I wonder though.. If drawing is still my passion. Come to think of it.. It is one of the most effective ways I could create my inner haven.. my get-a-way, my refuge.. and also.. just sharing with others inspiration, longing.. something beautiful.. I have thought of giving up my art before, a number of times already. Now, I'm thinking again.. fuck man, using too much of my head again.. I need to use my heart to understand what I truly desire.. what makes it worthwhile in my life for me Ron.. Why do I love art so much.. What do I seek for in it..

I understand Art is not merely something.. something artistic.. hmm. Rather something.. deeper.. something like love.. LOVE itself.. is so wide.. so diverse.. It is like love where is contains the very soul of it.. brings nothingness into life. Something so simple.. and yet at times can be so elaborate and detailed. So many facets to it.. to discover.. explore.. experience.. Maybe that's why I've been feeling lost.. being overwhelmed by the diversity of it.. Feeling lousy coz probably I'm only good in mostly detailed stuffs.. realistic imagery.. And yet nt quite up to my own expectations even.. So what if I can draw exactly like a freaking photograph.. What makes me stand out from it? My style.. where what how will it be??

Maybe I'm so sick of it.. partly may be coz of laziness.. Good art needs lots of hardwork.. Sometimes I doubt my abilities in the midst of completing it.. Feeling maybe I'm not competent enough, not talented.. It's all bullshit man.. What rubbish I have been feeding myself lately.. hmm.. I have just watched Kung Fu Panda, the message of the movie was simply.. to BELIEVE.. may seem like an overrated term.. especially in this cynical world.. People put you down when they feel something would not work without listening to the full story or wanting to understand.. Been through that quite a bit.. people telling me that art has no future.. drawing.. cannot make a living out of it.. and an even more absurb one was.. my cousin's husband.. said that art can't make a living with and he can draw like me too.. I was like WTH, if you don't even have faith in this craft itself, what gives you the right to think you're better than one who ever lives and breathes in it??

Sometimes we just get tired and sick of stuff in our lives that makes us sick and tired don't we? hahax... guess this is life.. its life man! =)) but I believe.. that the present is just a chapter, not the conclusion.. So when i'm angry.. pissed or whatever.. I think of the issues that pissed me off as temporial.. and not a whole story.. just tiny stories that I was trying to make a whole world out of it as if my life depended on the issue and I lose heart because of it. But we never know the whole story till we live it through our lives as a whole until we die. So what's there to be pissed about.. seriously.. about the fragments in life we don't understand?? There more to it than just those fragments that frustrates us.

Enough talk le.. I want my life to be better... to improve.. nothing is gonna bring me down or get in my way... For that... i guess. i just hav to get up on my butt and.. DO SOMETHIN!