Wednesday, March 30, 2011 . 1:48 PM

Wind

I am sitting by the window
Wondering, pondering.
And my thoughts floundering

It is this late into the night
Wild uncertain thoughts welcoming the impending dawn
Where daybreaks
Leaving my fears scrambling back there yet again

I sit here appreciating and embracing it
The soft-spoken wind so light.. so gentle..
Caressing my hopes... my fears
Closer to my very breath

The wind being so constant,
Nudges me deep deep down
Right into soul's core

Maybe I will take heart when the dawn breaks
Hoping my dreams and yearnings will not die on me yet again
As the arrival of the first glimpse of the day threatens

Sunday, March 27, 2011 . 12:19 PM

Passion

Normally I would try not to type the title of each blog post before I have completed the entry. But.. but.. This got me thinking. Passion. What is passion? I probably would not be able to have answers and conclusion by the end of this post but.. it's something worth.. definitely.. worth.. thinking/pondering about!

I am sitting on the sofa in the living room with my netbook on awhile ago.. looking at britney spear's interviews, her happier days, and interviews about her during her days where it was hard to get by emotionally. I look at lady gaga's interviews.. Her younger days before she even became lady gaga.. How she played the piano and sang so wonderfully and still is.. And I too think about Christina Aguilera.. my queen.. haha. How she was bullied from young, people plucking out the mic connection when she was halfway singing when she was around 8 to prove that it isn't really her singing. The abusive father she had to grow up knowing and a carrier.. much more a passion that she had to keep alive.

It got me thinking about my life.. Yes I know.. somehow I just know being an artist.. A traditional artist is what I really yearn for.. Is what my passion and reason I find in my life. But just where have the passion gone to? How do I exactly find it back?? Questions after questions left unanswered.. till time and experience allows them to be. It's the passion I have lost that I have forgotten when it all started when I was just a kid, a young little boy.. drawing what I could, what I took delight in, what I really loved. And I referenced, looked at the lives of these ladies.. How they have tried.. 'failed' and tried in their lives.. Overcoming the odds, the sufferings to keep that passion growing.. burning.. it is inspiring to me, even as I am typing this blog post.. I truely have respect for such great women.

Passion.. The countless ups and downs life would threaten to wreck it all up.. Passion as love so strong, as reason so convicting, as the inner voice that echoes out. What is passion exactly?? What is that special energy I do not think I can ever fully comprehend, but I know it is creating relating to the child-likeness as young ones have, creating the inner world - the ambience, sounds, smells, lights, tangibility. We humans tend to lose it along the way once we are not careful and insulated by much of the society. Passion is so hard to survive, a never ending effort I truely believe is to keep it alive.. Maybe I should do works that I really love again.. passion not just for drawing/art but for people as well.. People around me..

Just a simple drawing I want to share, that I did of myself, a support study prepartory work of a conceptual artwork I did for one of my major assignments. Done with charcoal. Keeping the passion alive isn't easy, but to insulate and keeping that inner peace or through any tough phases in our lives will lead us one day to understand.  

Friday, March 25, 2011 . 11:49 AM

Journey

Everyday we live, we allow risks of disappointments, losing heart.. Lost of direction and helplessness. I've been feeling rather confused, well maybe not quite but more like.. a pasue.. waiting for answers in my life I know God will entrust into my life, directions to take, sometimes not the easy way.. never easy. Out of the confusion I've set myself into 1stly into this aj thing, and now withdrawing school for army. My mind has learnt to appreciate the simple things in a way. I've been listening to simple songs again, christian songs.

I feel peace within my heart and soul. Through frustrations we know peace, we know what hope truely is. Without the negative how can we truely know and understand the positive? Without suffering where is the reward? Through the songs I have been listening to, it gave me a conviction in my heart of the unknown. Sometimes truely frightening but also exciting. God I am starting to feel You all over again, understand You are here with me through all what may seem a route of hopelessness, but as i walk.. and not stop, I realize You are there nudging me along, like a little duckling being nudged to walk on.. and then into the water. A challenge one after another. Fragments in life I wont want to stay frustrated in but would want to want and remind myself that a fuller story will be revealed, tending to my lack of understanding to give a new wisdom with each phase of my life.

Just want to share a song I have been listening tonight. I feel whether Christian or not it could apply to our lives, the hope and journey we are walking on.

Title: I Will Rise - Chris Tomlin
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_2JpQNpSUA&feature=channel_video_title

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 . 8:30 AM

What I Want...

Life what's there to live if there is fear, to overcome it? The fears, uncertainties and hopelessnes along the way. Every phase we enter, or every sub phases in life, we have to re-adjust ourselves to understand and to stretch our comfort level.

I remember the 1st month of getting to know more ajs, my mind was in a whirlwind.. Intense feelings, yearnings, thoughts that I couldn't control.. couldn't comprehend within myself. This homosexual factor in my life, I have never experienced or embraced first-hand in my life before that. Over time, these feelings and yearnings began to build up more and more till I finally decided to let loose from the tight ropes I have kept myself bounded down with. Although I am still learning to comprehend more of this aj side, having confusions from time to time, but my 1st month as a total wreck. As time passes by, I noticed growth and more understanding of myself and what I want and hope for more in this 'circle'.

From time to time, I do have my fears kicking up at me again, and probably everyday I have to learn to kick those thoughts away to stay positive. I fear meeting people.. That fear of people is still lingering within me now and then. Especially learning the aj 'circle' has a superficial element to it, maybe more than the str8's. Sometimes this deals me in my own confidence issues in meeting people as 1stly, I don't have good skin coz of acne. A pretty stupid reason to stay in i must say.. and other areas of myself is detering me from people, one of which is the communication component.

I try to be good and sincere when I know I naturally can towards people. But of coz not when people cross the line one step too far knowing what wouldn't work and yet keep pushing on and on about things and thoughts, so I would draw a line. Other than that, I have been basically more or less balanced apart from closer friends, to the other people like new ajs I talk to or meet. Treating people equally as how I would want others to be so to me. However nice it sounds or however perfect this way of treating people to me is, I grow tired of it being this way. Becoming withdrawn in myself towards people, and especially meeting new people would demand great energy from me.. Then I fear that I would let people down if my tiredness comes up again.

I've shared some of these feelings and thoughts to a nice aj friend from blowing wind forums, on msn conversing. I'll call him mfn, think these are the initials to his name? Maybe.. Hmm and so...The other day I brought thoughts of my fear of people to him. He replied,' u should nt try to understand ppl 1st, cos whats more impt is to understand who u r and what u really want. After that then u try to understand the ppl ard u and fit them in your own structure of lifestyle. Those that do not fit you, most probably they are not there for the long run.'

At 1st it sounded bit selfish somehow to me. I tried to comprehend what he really mean, and it actually made a lot of sense.. This was how my mind adjusted to the surroundings when I was much younger, the naturally social instinct that somehow I've lost pretty much of it along the way. Sometimes asking ourselves what we want, what works or what doesn't may not be selfish at all.. Being realistic sometimes isn't deterring people or rejecting people but it is how it is. To love everyone the same, love neighbour as how I would love myself doesn't mean treating them all around the same, reacting to each and everyone around the same.. I think I could have been plain robotish lol... I believe and come to learn that although I try to treat and love everyone equally, the equally factor I take to literally. That's why probably I have been disappointed quite often and easily even by people that are not really close to me. Truth of the matter is, there will be people tha wouldn't click with me as the same for everyone else. I've to learn to know myself, who I am and what I want all over again, and to understand other's better. Then naturally disappointments wouldn't come as much by people that aren't that close to me. To choose to act and not react to them.

People come and people go.. smiling faces passing by.. Hope I can meet those that aren't here for the temporial that fits into what I'm comfortable with in terms of communication and closer friendships. So much more to learn.. than staying frustrated or being my overly sensitive self..

Saturday, March 19, 2011 . 9:39 AM

Haircut!

Yippie yippie yaya! Finally cleared my mobby hair today! I've been feeling medium length hair/ normal short length bit troublesome as these kinda hair gets messy easily without use of any hair products.. Really simple to just keep the hair damn short and after shower, it's fast to dry and ready to go! So today after comtemplating whether to get a haircut or not.. a really short one.. Just went down in the evening to got it done. Feels good, the head feels kinda cool.. and .. kinda fun for my hand to brush against the back of my head.. against the bristly prickly hair ^^. Just a photo I've taken today.. Short hair FTW ^^

Friday, March 18, 2011 . 9:57 AM

Do Somethin!

What am I thinking now.. what's on my mind.. these days, nothing much that I do. Remember back from young.. kindergaten till secondary school.. it's a process, journey was 'guided' or controlled by the education system. Study study study was what kept me in check, kept me going.. Till a point, right now to decide what I really want. No guided system to keep me going.. and i'm feeling si bei tired just trying to make things work.. or.. more like hoping and freaggin hoping and yet doing nothing.. This feeling is nothingness really sucks. I know I am lazy.. I have to get up and do something! gets me to think about britney's song.. ' I see you lookin at me.. Like I'm some kind of freak.. Get up out of your seat.. Why don't you DO SOMETHIN?!'

Totally man.. totally to get up and do something rather than being pissed in my own situation. I chose this path.. to go into army 1st.. Right now I have to get up on my butt to find a freaggin job.. earn some spare cash... n my free-time work on my passion.. drawing.. Sometimes I wonder though.. If drawing is still my passion. Come to think of it.. It is one of the most effective ways I could create my inner haven.. my get-a-way, my refuge.. and also.. just sharing with others inspiration, longing.. something beautiful.. I have thought of giving up my art before, a number of times already. Now, I'm thinking again.. fuck man, using too much of my head again.. I need to use my heart to understand what I truly desire.. what makes it worthwhile in my life for me Ron.. Why do I love art so much.. What do I seek for in it..

I understand Art is not merely something.. something artistic.. hmm. Rather something.. deeper.. something like love.. LOVE itself.. is so wide.. so diverse.. It is like love where is contains the very soul of it.. brings nothingness into life. Something so simple.. and yet at times can be so elaborate and detailed. So many facets to it.. to discover.. explore.. experience.. Maybe that's why I've been feeling lost.. being overwhelmed by the diversity of it.. Feeling lousy coz probably I'm only good in mostly detailed stuffs.. realistic imagery.. And yet nt quite up to my own expectations even.. So what if I can draw exactly like a freaking photograph.. What makes me stand out from it? My style.. where what how will it be??

Maybe I'm so sick of it.. partly may be coz of laziness.. Good art needs lots of hardwork.. Sometimes I doubt my abilities in the midst of completing it.. Feeling maybe I'm not competent enough, not talented.. It's all bullshit man.. What rubbish I have been feeding myself lately.. hmm.. I have just watched Kung Fu Panda, the message of the movie was simply.. to BELIEVE.. may seem like an overrated term.. especially in this cynical world.. People put you down when they feel something would not work without listening to the full story or wanting to understand.. Been through that quite a bit.. people telling me that art has no future.. drawing.. cannot make a living out of it.. and an even more absurb one was.. my cousin's husband.. said that art can't make a living with and he can draw like me too.. I was like WTH, if you don't even have faith in this craft itself, what gives you the right to think you're better than one who ever lives and breathes in it??

Sometimes we just get tired and sick of stuff in our lives that makes us sick and tired don't we? hahax... guess this is life.. its life man! =)) but I believe.. that the present is just a chapter, not the conclusion.. So when i'm angry.. pissed or whatever.. I think of the issues that pissed me off as temporial.. and not a whole story.. just tiny stories that I was trying to make a whole world out of it as if my life depended on the issue and I lose heart because of it. But we never know the whole story till we live it through our lives as a whole until we die. So what's there to be pissed about.. seriously.. about the fragments in life we don't understand?? There more to it than just those fragments that frustrates us.

Enough talk le.. I want my life to be better... to improve.. nothing is gonna bring me down or get in my way... For that... i guess. i just hav to get up on my butt and.. DO SOMETHIN!

Sunday, March 13, 2011 . 12:30 PM

Going Slow

Hmmm.. I haven't been doing much these days, kinda taking it slow. It's confirmed that I've decided to withdraw from my studies. Initially I was rather confused and chose to follow what an inner initial voice and a rather neutral desire. I knew deferring, and now withdrawing, was a path I wanted though the reasons were not clear. I've gotten mixed feedbacks regarding my decision.. People have encouraged and adviced, people questioned my decision and sometimes not too pleasantly. During the period of this week my mind has been quite chaotic, thoughts were here, there and everywhere. Period of making a concrete decision, a start of journey to believe in myself and the choices that I make.

Frustrating many times the process in life can, feeling lost, losing faith, hope and in our dreams. Gotta tell myself.. It is ok Ron.. it's ok what you are feeling. Losing our ways, veering to the sidetracks sometimes is a process of finding ourselves, finding who we really are. Does not matter if in the process we pissed some people off, make ourselves angry or sad.. as long as we learn and continue to grow and change.. All's good! Decisions are meant for ourselves to make, not really living in people's expectations and in other principles or beliefs. We live in our own world that we create, we live and we dream and we share. Going slow may not be such a bad idea after all.

Sunday, March 6, 2011 . 6:54 AM

Exhausted

Mind's tired out.. Feeling really tired now. tomorrow what am I going to do when I wake up early? Go to school as per normal like nothing has happened about my decision to defer school and enter army? What do I want with my life, myself, my future, the people around me? I'm tired of going in circles, what's there in this fucking life left for me to hope for?

Today I had an argument with my father, a really silly argument. I don't understand what has gone into my father lately.. Destructive nature and he wanted to attempt to hit me again. Kept cursing me with those hokkien bad words.. I'm fucking tired and unhappy with all these things.. 1st losing my passion, slowly regaining back but still unsure of it not near fully. My father over time his behaviour is getting more and more intolerable. My deferrment a decision, on a cross-road now having myself to hold on to while it is happening. Friends have given me their views, mostly pretty balanced and good views, but ultimately it is my decision to make. It is as if I have no comfort left in me, however I remembered that as Christians we shouldn't take comfort in this world as it is our temporary home.

How much more you want me to work my ass off Lord? I know I have been lazy all throughout.. Not taking the initiatives as I would and should. I know and I know I could have done better throughout this whole period of my life. Would you continue to guide me? I refuse to falter under these circumstances, I feel the fear is arising yet again.. Is deferring my studies as a form of running away from it? or is it a period of my life to live apart from the norm once again? All throughout my life, there is this heart that wants to stand out from the rest.. Always dreamed big of becoming an international successful artist someday. Realizing I am a bi (more like an aj), being more of a social outcast compared to the average person, being laughed at when I was younger, avoiding people's goodwill, blaming myself of all that could have been... Yes I'm feeling lousy now Lord.

I do not want to blame myself any longer whether conciously or subconciously. Blaming others doesn't solve the problem. Blaming is a problem an issue of the human flesh sowing discord between others and myself. God teach me... show me the way.. I know I have only You and myself for this temporial comfort on this earth. I'm fked up, I feel as though my initial name I called myself 'ConfusedFella' is again applicable to me. I AM FUCKING TIRED. I want to remain thankful Father.. I don't want to dwell in this self-pity I have set myself in.. fuck it! I need You by my side.. to feel You in my life to tell me everything is alright... I need You. I need You to rejuvenate my heart once again God!

Saturday, March 5, 2011 . 2:15 AM

Reply & Responsibilities

Hellloooo back to blogging =)) I have not been blogging for days, though my mind has a lot to talk about. It's those periods where it's a tad overwhelming and the mind shuts down not knowing how, what to express, esp in words.

Lately I've been thinking - as always - about my life.. the aj side of it, my future, the people around me, the meaning of it all. Many times we try to comphrehend and ask so many questions and tend not allowing our hearts to lead to feel the surroundings, to feel the people around us. We tend to react mostly and not acting upon it, our feelings and positive desires. At some point of points of our lives, we tend to stop and think.. Why can't I relate to this other person? Why is my life unreal, like a dream, as though nothing's important to me? We get so engrossed in our daily routines and daily needs along with the society that we lose track of whats really is for us, what/why are we living for? It all comes with the heart, the awakening of it to live once again.

Recenty, I sent a facebook message to my church's cell leader. He have  replied my message 2 days ago. The time he took to reply, he told me that he needed time to think and consider instead of blasting at what 1st came to his mind. He is a good christian brother. Basically, he replied and was trying to understand what I am feeling, thinking and hoping for. The aj side of things, and especially in relation to christianity is rather foreign to him. But through this, I believe I wouldn't compromise my beliefs and in what he doesn't comprehend. I believe in His word and what He wants in my life, I believe God still loves us for who we are. For being different, all the more we should embrace it rather than hiding it away. It's easier said than done, but He always have a way out.

Just yesterday, I was feeling damn stressed with my school assignments and fees, so I texted my sis about it. Somehow we conversed and I just came out to through texting. When she half guessed that I am gay/bi or wadeva, I was like.. heck.. i'll just admit it lol. She replied that she still loves me, was good to hear from her and her response about it. Next group of people coming out to may be some of my close friends.

Talking about school and assignments in the previous paragraph, I've decided to defer my studies and head to army 1st. I remember I used to have the passion for art, living and breathing everyday with it. Art is something I want to give out to people, inputing hope into expressions of distraught and pain. It is definitely something people can and would relate to. Whether it is something done to inspire others, directly or indirectly changing lives, personal reflection or self-discovery, it is some worth exploring to bring about change and growth. Sometimes growth means leading life not in tele of other people's beliefs and expectations and taking a breather.

That's all for it for now.. My mind's dead.. I need to get out of the house walk on the beach or something!! gah!!! =P

Tuesday, March 1, 2011 . 12:37 AM

Short Short Short Post

I was thinking of blogging about my thoughts again, but gotta start on my schoolwork 1st. probably in the night I will blog about my thoughts, what I've been thinking about lately. Hmm about the message to my cell leader, he replied saying he needs sometime to get back to me about it. Anyways just took a pic in the kitchen with my web cam ^^. Hair needs a good cut soon... I'm thinking of trying to si bei short haircut, see how it goes =P