Monday, February 21, 2011 . 9:54 AM

Dual Personality

Lalalalalaa! Back to blogging again! Alright the post may not be as interesting as the title.. =/ But it's related somehow to what I'm feeling about myself lately. Everyday we experience, learn and grow. This period from the chats with friends or through text messages and meet ups, I realize that I carry myself differently. In how I think, feel and react when i'm behind the screen communicating compared to meeting friends up. I don't think it's as serious as some split or bi-polar personality, But it does affect the way i bring myself across to others.

Usually online especially or through smses, I feel alot freer.. Very open mostly, being bit 'hyper' which I see myself as and want to strive to be - to be a happier person putting smiles in people's lives. I truely believe as we are open in our hearts when we communicate, we can truely care for others and connect with people. However much I try to be open, when I meet up with people, friends etc etc, I tend to get tired easily and more reserved. Sometimes I realize it, the tiredness and I simply get pissed off at myself. It's like getting a cork stuck unable to drink the sweet wine from the bottle. The throat just dries up, not with contempt but with disgust.. All the negative thoughts and feeling lousy would come in, all the helplessness and the ever increasing tiredness, fatique of the mind would overwhelm it whole.

Everyday is a day for learning.. I've been reading a book talking about the heart (emotionally). Talks in detail about how discouragements are like arrows tt are pierced into the heart throughout our lives. We form convictions, even deep ones, subconciously/unconciously. Feeling lousy i believe then intensifies the process of deteoriation of the heart, numbs and then freezes it so much so that our souls detach from our heart. Every now and then, when we are alone, and our guard is down, our heart cries out.. even the faintest cry bring us tremendous discomfort and we tug the call of it deeper.

I despise how this vicious cycle acts and as well as in my life, also as simple as communicating with people. When I feel lousy I think of all the negative thoughts like,' Oh Ron, youre actually a hypocrite.. And you know it yourself that people can sense it.. You're just nothing, you know you would never grow deeper friendships, coz you just can't connect with everyone.. loner..' How the arrows can be vicious this way, makes me more determined to remove them... one by one.. How to?? Well through confidence, wisdom, perseverence and strength from God. Thanks for being there for me when I needed you carrying me when I was week, pulling me up when I was just to lazy to be mobile. Being a listening ear when I just need to cry out to You.. the perfect One. For the bible states.. You are Love. Thanks for showing me a glimpse of what is love so far, and I hope to further uncover the experiences and adventures You have for me! =))