Sunday, April 15, 2012 . 12:21 AM
What I Wanna Wanna! (pt 1)Hmmm I am not sure whether to turn this into a private blog in the future. Coz I really like to to be a very personal space like how when we were kids during my time, we have the hobby of writing in our secret diaries.. Secret.. Mysterious... Honesty.. All to ourselves. The fun of writing in a book, communicating with the book (eg. dear diary etc etc).. Those were the carefree times and times of make-believe.
Alright I am back here to blog... coz I really don't know what to do or how to pass my time on this slow moving sunday.... I want to type out a list of things I want to do for now and my future for a start.. So then I can probably see which are the things I want to give priority to and others, later.
Presently I wanna.. wanna..:
-Be an awesome tarot card reader!
-Learn many ways of meditation to excel in ways of the soul, body and mind.
-Be a pro volleyball player! (ok maybe juz decently skilled is good enough)
-To be able to draw my soul and visions and convictions in excellence onto paper or whatever mediums I want to experiment on!
-Be more in control of my actions, my reactions in such a way to be more stable and relaxed mind in handling things or communicating with people.
-Find out about the courses in poly I wanna wanna take up and enquire MOE regarding some school fee's related issues.
-Want to improve on my outlook!
-I need to start planning and saving the allowance I get from NS...
-Wanna sing betterrrrrrr!
-Wanna cherish people that are worth cherishing!
-Need to be learn to be myself, to always remind self to be humble and truthful to self and others.
-Need to learn to confidently say 'NO' when I need to.
-Gotta do my part in making my home a neater and more 'conducive' place to live in =x
-Hope to find that special someone although I may nt be good enough to start and enter a rs.
-Let things be when I know those are walls I am driven up onto already, just let them go and nature will handle!
Thats all for now!
Friday, April 13, 2012 . 8:03 AM
ChangeListening to Bright Lights by Tinchy Stryder ft. Pixie Lott. I love how the song relates to light being guidance for change, a better tomorrow. Here's the part of the lyrics which I really feel is simple, colourful and meaningful.
'Flash lights and the good life,
keep calling out my name
And I pray somehow something's gonna change
Bright lights in the skyline,
let me lose me way
Cause I know somehow something's gonna change'
Life has been much easier since I have gone out of my fire fighter course. But my mind has not been feeling contented but rather very vexed. Now I am working in an office environment, less worries serving my national service. Less to worry for ns yet worries in other areas of my life keeps creeping back up.
I am a fearful, timid person. That is who and what I am right now. It is as though I have lost touch with my inner strength for some period of time. Life is so vast.. Life is so colourful... Life is so dull... Life is so confusing... Life the journey of it so much fear.. Uncertainty.. Life is my white canvas.. You are so vast and assorted that I do not know how to live you, live life... So many choices to make and hope and be afraid to hope for, what can I do?
Hoping to decide for myself the best n perfect choices for myself now and my future, the right paths to take. But it is not the right mindset to have.. Yes I am discouraged that I am at an early stage of understanding about life and it's meaning and it's many abstractions.. And I probably will never understand it fully still, when I depart form here someday, but must it be this way?? At least I am given a chance to live, to learn to try, to feel, to experience.
Go one step at a time, focus on the simple things first... Focus on the positive things.. and let the negative be a source of understanding. The only things that is utter most important.. Is to know to be truthful and honest to oneself.. to myself.. Be humble that the heart is supposed to be. Freedom is only a step away, baby steps to change.... :)
Sunday, March 25, 2012 . 5:59 AM
A Random PostBack to blog blog bloggaaaaaa blogginnggg oncee again... Alot of changes in my life since the last time i blogged. I have ooc-ed from the fire fighter course into info comms. Alot more relaxed the jobscope and workplace is super near my place. Really quite thankful of the opportunity to get out of the fire fighting course as it really wasn't something i feel i can excel and be good at. Now I can enjoy the privilege of going home everyday... I must continue to lean to be thankful of the situation and be the best I can be in my workplace.
These few months in ns has been quite a challenging period both physically and mentally. Entered the PTP stage with new people, learning the system of the ns life in camp, the disciplines.. Getting used to the trainings, and then posted out into fire fighting course... it's honestly one of the longest 1 month of my life. Mentally and physically challenging... Every morning before fall in, everyone had tired faces, we know everyday's gonna be a very tiring day.. Sometimes quite terrible, other times quite encouraging as I realize people can be kind during tough times and lend a helping hand when they themselves are really exhausted. I appealed to OOC from the fire fighting course and got into infocomm.. It is another new environment, new people... 1 week plus of 'traning'.. And now I am posted to out into my actual workplace just a few bus stops away from home.
I really want to excel the best that I can everyday.. It is not enough just trying to be a good person, but to understand the needs of myself then learning to understand the needs of others. I have to be daring, to step out of my comfort zone, from my own little world, when I am around people. Yet there is this constand fear n unsettlement in my heart for some reason, may yet again time shall reveal a deeper understanding for each phase that I pass through.
Maybe I really put too much energy uselessly into other people, in people's approval, in pleasing others without me knowing it. And coincidentally I am listening to Madonna's song, Let It Will Be', hahax. Ron rem you can't control every aspect of things in life so that it will be better for yourself, but to just sit back and relax, let things come together by themselves. Focus on the useful things and not on the negativity infront of you. Place your trust in your gut instincts.. Let strength and wisdom flow out as it is supposed to. Below is a poem a friend found from an online source and I think it is very beautiful, very meaningful...
"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."
by the English poet William Ernest Henley (1849–1903). "Invictus"
Saturday, February 25, 2012 . 4:52 PM
Gotta Walk OnNow it's 8.22am (regardless of the blogger post timing.. ), typing another post. Sitting in my living room now thinking and reflecting upon my life. Sometimes I really think I think too obsessively, I may be meek on the outside but on the inside it may be quite extreme. Extreme especially in the negative face of emotions and thoughts. When I am more positive, I would find strength and be glad. Rarely will I feel really happy, don't know exactly why. Maybe it is as time pass, as I experience more things in life, I'm cluttered with negative thoughts and worries that I find it hard to dispel. I almost constantly worry about my future, about my art, about my family, about ns, about finding... finding that guy I will really love alot. Where are you?? Where r u my boy from my dreams, where are you to share our lives and days together? My heart is in solitude till that day you come, if that day even arrives.
Walk on Ron, walk on and you will find answers. Keep trying and keep growing nomatter what may come your way. Life looks so bleak now, but I should remain thankful, thankful for the things given and not given to me. Once I've learn to be thankful and give thanks to life I live in, feels like a form of release. The opposite from thankfulness is a complacent attitude, which traps the heart.
I did not expect in my life that my ns life training will be tough as this. People fainting is quite a common thing, and the nature of it all has created an anxiety and a complacent attitude in me. I am afraid coz I almost fainted and everyday it is like literally we r dragged to hell. But the positive side to things is I have already almost crossed the 1 month mark of the 3months course.
Ron you have to remember you chose this route to quit school to enter ns. You have to bear the consequences, nomatter what you face in the proccess, when times you think you can really... really no longer walk on... Remember why are you doing all these for. I'm walking on in life for the people that love me... My family and friends and the God I believe in. The yearning to experience life, to learn from the tough nature of this route, to face all my fears and grow from it. I am cringing and crying almost everyday in my heart... But only I can be strong if I decide to be brave and walk on. Walk on for the future, the freedom, the fruits you'll get to experience... It seems very far away but that day will come. Sighhh
Saturday, February 18, 2012 . 9:32 PM
Before Book-in AgainGoing to book in later this evening. My mind is feeling lots of tiredness, frustration and some anxiety. I know everyone has to go through NS, and that I should be thankful to be in civil defence instead of the army. But still I can't help having such messed up thoughts.
Gotta let my heart settle and get used to the fire fighting course for a few more weeks and stop expecting too much out of myself. The negative side within my head is telling me how weak I am, that I can't get used to a fireman's life in ns. Why am I so silly to listen and take in all those from that voice? I am not weak, I have to rely on the strength that resides within me from spiritual translating into physical aspects in my life. Whatever things that come by in life, the positive things and especially the really negative ones, are not to tear me down but are opportunities where I have to take the chance to learn and grow from.
These are opportunities that I need to catch on and to learn to grow out of the negative thinking habit. Within all the chaos, to find serenity and peace and levelledness from within. Where is that haven I can go to?? Perspectives
Met up with a friend today, got my tarots sent in from Poland, tagged along with him as he went for a kind of chinese stone fortune reading. Very interesting, how before the reading he needed to hold the bag of stones to exchange energy. It is like tarot reading where there is a connection and exchange of energy needed to season a deck for reading. The stone reading was very accurate, something new and interesting to experience =)
Later we went to watch a movie, had dinner and went on our way home. On our way to the bus stop, there was a caucasian lady she approached and talked to me.. It was a very awkward moment.. I knew it was some religious christian-related person wanting to introduce their religion. I remembered my 2 experiences with on-street Jehovah witnesses or some kind of witness people trying to bring people to their religion. Those experiences were not pleasant ones... So when this lady approached me, I felt a sense of uneasiness..
She approached me asking how's my day and later we talked about christianity. I told her I used to go to church but no longer attending. She then went on to ask why, and I told her I wanted to experience life out of church life widen my horizon. It was a very awkward conversation as I am not used to such conversations with strangers.
It led me to think then what do I actually believe in the life out of church? What did I mean when I mentioned to widen my horizon in my perspectives? Initially I left church was because I knew that the clash of belief that having a same sex relationship is a sin, homosexual lifestyle is a sin. This fear of not belonging and unwillingness to voice it out due to the useless aftermath reactions of it led me to just quit going to church altogether. I needed to continue my growth as a person, on my inner being, and to do that I shouldn't be in an environment with views I have to address that people in church wouldn't accept or agree to.
I learnt to, over the pass months, to learn to strip the many facades of my weakened self, caused by chains of conflict in beliefs and obligations in my church life. I began to widen my view my understanding in believing that the true enitity of the great and awesome God, that friend that i used to feel, speak to, being loved by, is not just in the context of Christianity, but in this being i was created as, in the sunrise, the simple breeze, in the other person that I talk to, in songs that I listen to, in a person's sigh and when I place my a hand to my heart some nights before I sleep. The great being is in everything I experience, He is in every step of my journey watching over me, He is in everyone that I love or despise, He is in every humble being, our everyday truth. He is the everyday notions that let me yearn for something far greater than myself. I began to learn about tarot reading as a medium for self-discovery and for growth. There are so many other activities to learn and experience in life.
Everything that I do, when done with understanding, brings forth different depths of revelations everyday. I must not be afraid to walk on in life, walk on... into the different chapters, to widen my mind's knowledge and heart's understanding. Be daring, be a fighter in what u believe in Ron! True strength and confidence is in the notion of being humble and being truthful, you have to remember that!
Friday, February 17, 2012 . 7:07 AM
FIGHTMy mind's yet again in quite a mess. Well.. not exactlyyyy a mess mess, but really troubled. I have been posted to the Fire fighting course in civil defence - already 2 weeks passed. I was hoping to stay for the basic rescue training to POP in 5 weeks then, but now I have to go through this 3 months course and PASS it before I can POP. I was hoping to see if this course is for me. The 1st week went by quite alright, quite alot of physical training compared to the previous camp i was in during Physical Training Phase. Then came the 2nd week.. By then, I have already felt like going out of course.. to quit this fire fighting course as I don't think I can excel in the practical stuff easily as I have always been a more theory-based person, except in art,
But I tried to consult my sir in regards to going out of course. He told me I cannot go OOC.. unless I have medical background. I was disappointed.. Tried to motivate myself.. To take in this fact and move on on my own pace.. Was feeling really very out of sorts this whole week.. then around wednesday, after breakfast, we went back to our dorm. I was resting by my bed and thoughts of my mother, father and family came to my mind.. and I started tearing, bth and went into the toilet to let all those emotions out. It has been a very very long while tt I actually cried somehow. I realized I have not been a good son to my parents.. Quite very much ashamed of myself. My parents are getting on into their years already, they have been doing alot for me and my sister throughout our lives and we don't actually see it or really understand to feel all those parental love and notions. I have been taking them for granted and I still am.
But I want all these things to change.. And have no real regrets in life. I began to think about the things my parents have done for me.. Like when I was back in lasalle, I had trouble to pay my school fees, my mum went all out to help source for finances and help for me.. And other simple things like my father ironing my clothes for me. Yes they have their flaws as parents, well I have mine too.. so how can I complain?? I just failed to see the beautiful in them, and now I want to try to and want to let things become better.
Now that I am continuing this fire fighting course, to train hardddd, to be able to get higher pay nx time, 10 working days a month, being able to spend more time with family, friends and self and for self-development, I will do it, to put the drive in it.. It has been very hard.. Maybe I have been rushing to get used to this experience when this course has barely even started... Been too hard on myself.. Rota mates did ask me why I looked so sad this 2nd week, but I didnt give a definite reply..
At the end of the 3 months, I know there is a strong desire in me for my family to come to the POP to see what I have done, who I have become. Not just in NS, but also the son and brother I have become to them. Went I saw the previous's firemen batch's POP video I felt something brewing inside of me strongly. This is what I really want.. My family to be proud of me, me to be proud of myself.. Than just going through the next 5 weeks of asic rescue training then POP with them barring visitors for the POP that my parents will not be able to come. I need to be a fighter, to learn to save lives.. not just others and also learn to save myself fro my doubts and fears.. Train till you die Ron, and everything's gonna be alright :)